This is it. Day 70. I've been waiting for this day since I started. I've been counting up, counting down, planning for and anticipating. And now it is here. I don't even know where to start. I'm getting a little emotional trying to write this. How can I possibly begin to summarize all of the feelings I have today? I know that I'll be back in a week to truly meet all of my requirements, but today really feels like the end.
I guess I am a little glad, though, that today wasn't the end. It was Fitness Friday (consequently, that is why I am sitting here with blue and pink hair...more on that later) and so the end of the day was really rushed and kind of crazy, throwing backpacks around and hurrying everyone out the door. So I didn't really get to say goodbye to any of the kids or Jennie or Aryn...and I didn't have to because I'll be back next week. I am thankful for that now, looking back on it. I would have been really disappointed if my final memories of all of my children were of them sprinting out the classroom door with their backpacks half open. Next week I will be able to give them a proper goodbye, and so for that reason I am glad we'll be back. (Let me be more clear -- that is the only reason I am glad we'll be back.)
I don't know if I'll even blog next Thursday or Friday. I might, if something really extraordinary happens, but for all intents and purposes, this is it. I've reached the finish line in this race that I started without a game plan, took the long way around a couple times too many, and ended up right back where I started...but a million times happier and more proud of myself.
Fitness Friday was really fun. Us student teachers prepared a little dance called "Ice Cream and Cake," and we all dressed up like different flavors of ice cream. I found this glitter spray-in hair color at Walmart last night and bought it for us all to use, so we had multicolored hair to match our colorful clothes. I was cotton candy ice cream, and I dressed all in blue -- Christina even brought me a tutu that I wore for the dance. It was so fun, because usually we're all really reserved and professional, but today we got up in front of everybody and danced like fools in our crazy hair. I loved it. Everyone was so shocked at how "into it" we got. I don't think they were expecting us to go all out like we did. (The bathroom that we got ready in still smelled like hairspray an hour later...we used A LOT of it.) It was fun to just be silly for once and not care how I looked. Teachers need to do stuff like this, because the kids love it and it really gets them excited for whatever is going on. Before this semester I would never have dreamed that I would be doing a dance in front of 400 people with a blue and pink side ponytail and a tutu...and yet here we are.
I did not cry today. I think it was because I knew it wasn't truly the end. I can't speak for next Friday yet, but I think that's when the waterworks might start. Today Aryn signed my last weekly evaluation. It's weird -- I have all of my paperwork done. There are no more lessons to write or evaluate, no more reflections to do, no more forms to fill out or evaluations to get signed...it's all done. My binder is finished. My projects are done. I still can't really fathom what it is going to be like to not be an early childhood undergraduate student anymore. It's been my life for the last 4 years. Wow. 4 years. It sounds like such a long time, and yet it feels like yesterday I walked into my little "freshman experience" class with no idea what I was getting myself into. I don't know if I'm ready for it to be over. I never really, seriously thought about what it would be like to be finished. I've been saying how ready I am to be done, and now I'm approaching the end of my marathon and I'm actually surprised to see the finish line. It's so weird how things happen like that -- you're so, so, SO ready to be done with something, and then bam when it hits you, you're a weepy, sobby, scared little mess who just wants to have a little more time to figure it all out. Is that what I am right now? I don't know. I think I might just be rambling because I don't want to be done with this entry yet. I am not ready to say goodbye to my little blog that's carried me through this semester.
I don't know what I'm going to do with this blog now. I think I want to keep it going, in some way. It has been good for me; it's given me an outlet for my excitements and frustrations. It's let me talk things out and organize my thoughts. It has truly made me a better teacher this semester, and I don't think I'm ready to let it go. I think I'll keep it alive, somehow. I'll never truly be done learning, especially my first few years teaching. Maybe it won't be every day, but it will be here if I need it.
One final thing I realized today: in the carpool home yesterday a couple of the girls were talking about how they're worried that when it comes time for them to get a job, they're going to not enjoy teaching. They're worried that they've put all this time into it and that they're going to be bad at it or it's going to burn them out, or that they just won't like it as much as they thought they would. I was surprised because that is exactly how I felt at the beginning of this semester, and now it's completely changed. I didn't know that other people thought this way. And I'm kind of sad for them, because this semester did change my mind about wanting to be a teacher...but it made me want to do it more, not the opposite! I was ready to find a completely different career path when I started this semester (you know, Days 2, 3, 4...). I made that clear to Aryn. I told her I didn't think I wanted to teach anymore and I was a little scared and unsure about what I wanted to do with my life.
And then I changed. She changed me, and these kids changed me, and this school changed me. I want to do it now. I really, really do. I am still going to go for my PhD and probably end up teaching at a university somewhere. I know that I won't be in an elementary classroom forever. But I know that when I am teaching children, it won't just be to build up my credibility in the future, or to make money while I'm trying to decide where to apply for school, or any of those things I thought it was going to be just 4 short months ago. It is going to be because I want to, and because I am good at it. I am a good teacher. I'm not going to ask myself if I can learn to teach anymore -- I KNOW I can. I have, and I will continue to. I will be able to do this. I know I will because I have already done it. I am capable. I am not going to be scared and tear myself down anymore. I am not going to be so hard on myself. I am going to try and see my strengths -- the ones that others see but I (deliberately) look past because sometimes I'm more comfortable seeing my bad qualities instead of my great ones. But I can't do that anymore, because everyone who has supported me through this semester (including me, now) knows this to be true: I am smart, I am prepared, and I am passionate. I am no longer the scared, "passion-less" girl I was on January 14, 2013. I am a teacher. Really, truly, honestly.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Day 69 - April 25, 2013
Tomorrow is Friday. It doesn't feel real. I know we have to come back next Thursday and Friday to make up for our snow days, but it still doesn't feel like I'm almost done. I am already getting nostalgic (and a little weepy) thinking about not being with these kids anymore, in this school anymore, with Aryn anymore...
I don't think it's quite hit me yet. And it won't hit me until next week when I really, truly have to say goodbye. A few weeks ago I was SO ready. Now I am not ready...not even a little bit. This week has made it so much harder for me to think about saying goodbye. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I'm teaching all 26 of them by myself (since Aryn is swimming from 11:45 to 1:30 and Jennie has lunch duty until about 1:15) every day and I'm not stressing out about writing down detailed accounts of how they like my lessons and what I think I should improve and whether or not they're learning the names of the oceans...I'm just teaching. I'm seeing what works and what doesn't, and I'm documenting it (mostly here), but I'm not spending hours upon hours sitting with my head in a notebook handwriting an assessment for whether so-and-so used proper capitalization in her journal entry about what pirates eat. I'm just teaching.
Today was amazing. I know that the past few days have been stressful and I feel like I'm just a yelling, screaming, punishing monster...but not today. Today was different. I don't know what it was, but it was perfect. I did the "talk quietly to draw them in" thing and it worked the very first time. I had them all write their numbers 1-100, and I was expecting a lot of moaning and complaining and refusal to do it. But there was none. I had them all sit and listen while I clearly explained my expectations, I handed them their papers, and they did it. They sat there -- 25 of them today -- and wrote. They didn't talk. They didn't scream my name every 5 seconds to ask me "whyyyy do we have to wriiiiteeee so muuuuuuchhhhh....?" They really wanted to do it, and do it right. They raised their hands to ask for help writing a number. They weren't falling out of their chairs or getting up to sharpen their pencil every minute or whining about how their hands hurt (and trust me, that's what I usually get when it's time for handwriting). They just DID IT. One boy was making some noises while he was writing -- just weird squeaking noises with his mouth that I think he may have been doing subconsciously, and rather than everyone in the room yelling "BE QUIET!!!!" the other children at his table said "Can you please stop? I'm trying to concentrate." No joke. Exactly that phrasing. I don't know if we accidentally put sedatives in their spinach at lunch, but it was a miniature miracle for me. I took a video to show Aryn when she got back because I just could not believe how quiet they were. 20 of them finished their numbers in about 20 minutes. The other 5 I will help finish tomorrow.
This "thumbs-up behavior," as I've grown accustomed to calling it, lasted pretty much all afternoon. They did a good job when they went next door for Math, and Ms. Margie's group did excellent for me in Reading, too. I don't know what the deal was with today, but it was good. I liked it. I want it to stay that way. I am hopeful that it will, and that tomorrow will be just as wonderful as today was. We all need these days, the ones that motivate us and validate what we're doing, and send us home smiling and excited for what tomorrow will bring. I have had more than enough days that do the opposite...I'm so thankful to have some that end up like this. I love to leave school happy. I have faith that tomorrow will be good.
I don't think it's quite hit me yet. And it won't hit me until next week when I really, truly have to say goodbye. A few weeks ago I was SO ready. Now I am not ready...not even a little bit. This week has made it so much harder for me to think about saying goodbye. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I'm teaching all 26 of them by myself (since Aryn is swimming from 11:45 to 1:30 and Jennie has lunch duty until about 1:15) every day and I'm not stressing out about writing down detailed accounts of how they like my lessons and what I think I should improve and whether or not they're learning the names of the oceans...I'm just teaching. I'm seeing what works and what doesn't, and I'm documenting it (mostly here), but I'm not spending hours upon hours sitting with my head in a notebook handwriting an assessment for whether so-and-so used proper capitalization in her journal entry about what pirates eat. I'm just teaching.
Today was amazing. I know that the past few days have been stressful and I feel like I'm just a yelling, screaming, punishing monster...but not today. Today was different. I don't know what it was, but it was perfect. I did the "talk quietly to draw them in" thing and it worked the very first time. I had them all write their numbers 1-100, and I was expecting a lot of moaning and complaining and refusal to do it. But there was none. I had them all sit and listen while I clearly explained my expectations, I handed them their papers, and they did it. They sat there -- 25 of them today -- and wrote. They didn't talk. They didn't scream my name every 5 seconds to ask me "whyyyy do we have to wriiiiteeee so muuuuuuchhhhh....?" They really wanted to do it, and do it right. They raised their hands to ask for help writing a number. They weren't falling out of their chairs or getting up to sharpen their pencil every minute or whining about how their hands hurt (and trust me, that's what I usually get when it's time for handwriting). They just DID IT. One boy was making some noises while he was writing -- just weird squeaking noises with his mouth that I think he may have been doing subconsciously, and rather than everyone in the room yelling "BE QUIET!!!!" the other children at his table said "Can you please stop? I'm trying to concentrate." No joke. Exactly that phrasing. I don't know if we accidentally put sedatives in their spinach at lunch, but it was a miniature miracle for me. I took a video to show Aryn when she got back because I just could not believe how quiet they were. 20 of them finished their numbers in about 20 minutes. The other 5 I will help finish tomorrow.
This "thumbs-up behavior," as I've grown accustomed to calling it, lasted pretty much all afternoon. They did a good job when they went next door for Math, and Ms. Margie's group did excellent for me in Reading, too. I don't know what the deal was with today, but it was good. I liked it. I want it to stay that way. I am hopeful that it will, and that tomorrow will be just as wonderful as today was. We all need these days, the ones that motivate us and validate what we're doing, and send us home smiling and excited for what tomorrow will bring. I have had more than enough days that do the opposite...I'm so thankful to have some that end up like this. I love to leave school happy. I have faith that tomorrow will be good.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Day 68 - April 24, 2013
Today was the same as yesterday, in the fact that I felt like a complete monster who was just so grumpy and yell-y the entire time! I don't know why this week is going so poorly, but it is. Maybe it's because I wasn't expecting it (and kindergarten is always the opposite of what I expect, I've found). I tried really, really hard to be positive, but they are just in a mood or something where sassing off and talking back is what's going on right now. It's not just me -- the kids are driving Aryn crazy, they're driving Jennie crazy...the other grades are a little crazy, too. Is it the weather? Is there a full moon or something? I just hope it improves tomorrow.
Today I had my final meeting with Aryn and my university supervisor. It went really well! I graded myself too harshly (as always) but I did give myself some 4s this time, which I am proud of! I never do that, so it shows that I really think I've improved this semester. I loved listening to Aryn talk about what she's seen in me that has improved and where I can still make things better. I'm so thankful that she is so honest are realistic, but still nice. I can trust her to seriously tell me when something just is absolutely terrible, but also to give me help to make it better. I know some people's cooperating teachers just give them all 4s and don't provide suggestions for improvement, but Aryn has really helped me to see where I'm lacking (or confirming what I already see as my weaknesses) and given me real, GREAT tips for fixing it -- and the opportunities to fix these things. I need that. We all need that. I'm just lucky enough that I get that.
The other half of that is, she also helps me to see things that I don't see at all (usually these are my strengths, since I tend to miss those and focus on the weaknesses). I get really happy and kind of smiley and giggly (on the inside) when she tells me I did a good job with something. It sounds so lame typing that out, but it's really how I feel -- she's an experienced expert in my eyes and so if she says I did something well, I feel really proud of myself. :)
The last thing I realized today is that the carpool this semester, while also saving me a lot of gas money and miles on my car (not to mention an extra hour of sleep on weeks I don't have to drive) has given me the chance to get a glimpse into other grades and see what is going on in there. I've never taught in a 3rd grade class, but I sort of know what is going on in there thanks to the 2 girls who are student teaching there now. Talking on the way to and from school helps us all see common issues, share exciting or funny stories, or just rant when we need to. I didn't think I would enjoy it this much, but looking back on it, it has been a really good experience. All teachers need time to get together outside of school and talk like this. With my co-workers we do it over dinner or on a night out. It's just really important (I think) to spend time together outside of the common place you all share daily. I've been terrible at making friends since as long as I can remember, but they're really important -- especially "teacher friends." I hope that wherever I end up I can find a group of people to share my experience with just like I have this semester.
And on that happy note, I am going to bed. At 9:30. I can't wait until I can stay up a little later and not feel like a disaster the next morning. 1 more week!
Today I had my final meeting with Aryn and my university supervisor. It went really well! I graded myself too harshly (as always) but I did give myself some 4s this time, which I am proud of! I never do that, so it shows that I really think I've improved this semester. I loved listening to Aryn talk about what she's seen in me that has improved and where I can still make things better. I'm so thankful that she is so honest are realistic, but still nice. I can trust her to seriously tell me when something just is absolutely terrible, but also to give me help to make it better. I know some people's cooperating teachers just give them all 4s and don't provide suggestions for improvement, but Aryn has really helped me to see where I'm lacking (or confirming what I already see as my weaknesses) and given me real, GREAT tips for fixing it -- and the opportunities to fix these things. I need that. We all need that. I'm just lucky enough that I get that.
The other half of that is, she also helps me to see things that I don't see at all (usually these are my strengths, since I tend to miss those and focus on the weaknesses). I get really happy and kind of smiley and giggly (on the inside) when she tells me I did a good job with something. It sounds so lame typing that out, but it's really how I feel -- she's an experienced expert in my eyes and so if she says I did something well, I feel really proud of myself. :)
The last thing I realized today is that the carpool this semester, while also saving me a lot of gas money and miles on my car (not to mention an extra hour of sleep on weeks I don't have to drive) has given me the chance to get a glimpse into other grades and see what is going on in there. I've never taught in a 3rd grade class, but I sort of know what is going on in there thanks to the 2 girls who are student teaching there now. Talking on the way to and from school helps us all see common issues, share exciting or funny stories, or just rant when we need to. I didn't think I would enjoy it this much, but looking back on it, it has been a really good experience. All teachers need time to get together outside of school and talk like this. With my co-workers we do it over dinner or on a night out. It's just really important (I think) to spend time together outside of the common place you all share daily. I've been terrible at making friends since as long as I can remember, but they're really important -- especially "teacher friends." I hope that wherever I end up I can find a group of people to share my experience with just like I have this semester.
And on that happy note, I am going to bed. At 9:30. I can't wait until I can stay up a little later and not feel like a disaster the next morning. 1 more week!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Day 67 - April 23, 2013
Today I taught a lot! I guess I shouldn't have expected to just sit back and relax this week. :) Aryn had to go sub in 5th grade this morning so I taught all morning and then half of the afternoon while she was at swimming again. It was almost like being back in my ICS weeks -- having TOTAL control of the classroom. It was kind of a hard day, though, because I just really felt like the children were super loud and nothing I said or did could calm them down.
Christina (Margie's student teacher and my classmate since Block I) made a good point today during our final supervisor's meeting -- she said she feels like these days since she's not teaching anything, the only time she has to address the whole group is to "yell at them." I kind of agree: we're not (or most of us are not, anyway) teaching anything at all this week, so there's a lot of sitting and watching like we're back in Week 1 again. If we do have to get the whole group's attention, it's because they're being too loud or something is wrong or whatever. I'm going to consciously try to make most of my interactions positive. I should be doing this anyway, but it's hard right now. Especially since I'm back in charge, I have to be more "grrr" with them at times. I do feel, though, that when I am doing opening or reading, I keep it pretty calm and sweet. I noticed a few weeks ago that when Aryn teaches the whole class, she lowers her voice to almost a whisper and keeps their attention by drawing them in. I tried that this week and BAM -- it's like magic!
Tomorrow they have Music at a super weird time (like 1:15 or something crazy) so it's going to mess up our schedule again. I've been taking my computer to school and working on my final projects during my breaks (when they're in Music or P.E. , or even on my lunch break sometimes), so tomorrow I'll probably do that at our weird Music time. I'm almost done...I can see the finish line! I have ONE more project to do (a one-page paper for my night class) and I think I can do that over the rest of this week. This race (more like a marathon... this semester took forever) is almost over! I am almost a certified teacher!
Christina (Margie's student teacher and my classmate since Block I) made a good point today during our final supervisor's meeting -- she said she feels like these days since she's not teaching anything, the only time she has to address the whole group is to "yell at them." I kind of agree: we're not (or most of us are not, anyway) teaching anything at all this week, so there's a lot of sitting and watching like we're back in Week 1 again. If we do have to get the whole group's attention, it's because they're being too loud or something is wrong or whatever. I'm going to consciously try to make most of my interactions positive. I should be doing this anyway, but it's hard right now. Especially since I'm back in charge, I have to be more "grrr" with them at times. I do feel, though, that when I am doing opening or reading, I keep it pretty calm and sweet. I noticed a few weeks ago that when Aryn teaches the whole class, she lowers her voice to almost a whisper and keeps their attention by drawing them in. I tried that this week and BAM -- it's like magic!
Tomorrow they have Music at a super weird time (like 1:15 or something crazy) so it's going to mess up our schedule again. I've been taking my computer to school and working on my final projects during my breaks (when they're in Music or P.E. , or even on my lunch break sometimes), so tomorrow I'll probably do that at our weird Music time. I'm almost done...I can see the finish line! I have ONE more project to do (a one-page paper for my night class) and I think I can do that over the rest of this week. This race (more like a marathon... this semester took forever) is almost over! I am almost a certified teacher!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Day 66 - April 22, 2013
I sit here today again not quite sure what to write about. Today was another fairly uneventful day. Aryn is leaving at 11:45 every day this week to do 2nd Grade Swim, so I'm once again in charge of handwriting/journaling, teaching Ms. Margie's class, and afternoon rotations. I guess I only just thought I was done...whew. I do feel like I did a lot of running around today and I definitely had to raise my voice a lot more than normally. The kids were a little (okay, a lot) wound up today -- in all grades. Hopefully it will be a little calmer tomorrow. I hate days where I feel like I just yelled and got onto them all day long! Boo.
Yesterday I finished my presentation for Wednesday, and so now I'm working on my presentation due Sunday. Once I've finished with these 2 I only have a final paper for my night class and then I'm completely finished for the semester! It is still so insane to me that my undergraduate career is coming to a close. In 11 days I will be graduating. I will be done with this chapter of my education.
Oh! I completely forgot that I haven't written an update since I took that test on Saturday. Well, I thought it went okay. There were 3 essay questions, so of course I did them first because that's my method. (It definitely works, by the way.) I thought the essays were easy because they were fairly general and I could choose what grade level to write about for each one -- of course, I chose kindergarten. It is the grade I have the most experience/expertise in now (as much "expertise" as I can actually have at this point). It was the multiple choice that kind of threw me. The OPTE is PK-8, so there were a TON of questions about older grades. I think it was really unfairly skewed...I saw just a couple of questions about Pre-K and kindergarten, hardly any about 1st/2nd, quite a few about 3rd, and then about a million about 4th-8th grades. I of course have not spent the last four years of my life learning what 14-year-olds are supposed to be learning about or what works best for them, so I just had to use my knowledge of younger children and try to logically translate it up. For a few of them, I also just thought back to how I was 8 years ago when I was an 8th grader and tried to figure out the answer that way. It was rough. I think I did well enough, but it still didn't seem very fair.
Other than that, I don't have anything to talk about tonight. Week of the Young Child is over as of Saturday, and I'm very relieved. I got a ton of hours last week (well, a "ton" compared to how many I've been getting every other week this semester, which is generally about 7) which is going to be nice, but I'm truly still exhausted from it all. I think I may just go to sleep right now.
Yesterday I finished my presentation for Wednesday, and so now I'm working on my presentation due Sunday. Once I've finished with these 2 I only have a final paper for my night class and then I'm completely finished for the semester! It is still so insane to me that my undergraduate career is coming to a close. In 11 days I will be graduating. I will be done with this chapter of my education.
Oh! I completely forgot that I haven't written an update since I took that test on Saturday. Well, I thought it went okay. There were 3 essay questions, so of course I did them first because that's my method. (It definitely works, by the way.) I thought the essays were easy because they were fairly general and I could choose what grade level to write about for each one -- of course, I chose kindergarten. It is the grade I have the most experience/expertise in now (as much "expertise" as I can actually have at this point). It was the multiple choice that kind of threw me. The OPTE is PK-8, so there were a TON of questions about older grades. I think it was really unfairly skewed...I saw just a couple of questions about Pre-K and kindergarten, hardly any about 1st/2nd, quite a few about 3rd, and then about a million about 4th-8th grades. I of course have not spent the last four years of my life learning what 14-year-olds are supposed to be learning about or what works best for them, so I just had to use my knowledge of younger children and try to logically translate it up. For a few of them, I also just thought back to how I was 8 years ago when I was an 8th grader and tried to figure out the answer that way. It was rough. I think I did well enough, but it still didn't seem very fair.
Other than that, I don't have anything to talk about tonight. Week of the Young Child is over as of Saturday, and I'm very relieved. I got a ton of hours last week (well, a "ton" compared to how many I've been getting every other week this semester, which is generally about 7) which is going to be nice, but I'm truly still exhausted from it all. I think I may just go to sleep right now.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Day 65 - April 19, 2013
I can't believe we only have one week left. It feels unreal. My semesters usually have me going from excitement (beginning) to settling into a routine (beginning-middle) to restlessness (middle) to desperation and burnout (middle-late) to a belief that it is never going to be over and then surprise when I realize I'm almost done (end). The same is true -- maybe even more true than ever -- this semester. Right now I feel like I'm never going to leave this school. And it's not because I've reverted to the desperate "Oh my god let it be over get me out of here" mentality that hit me right after Spring Break, but it's because I don't want to leave. I don't want to say goodbye. I feel like I belong at this school, and with these kids, and with Aryn as my mentor, and I truly am not ready for it to be over.
Over the last week, I've been feeling a little bit down about all of this. For a while (as I'm sure you remember if you've been reading this blog all semester) I was so frustrated with my class and I just wanted to be done with this for good. I didn't want to have anything to do with them (I feel terrible about that now) and I was so over it all. But now I wish I could take it all back. I don't want to leave. I've been feeling such a tremendous amount of love for these kids -- ALL of these kids -- this week. Maybe it's because I was out of the classroom for two mornings and it was so dreadfully boring that I missed them and they missed me and when I got back we hugged and were happy. But regardless of why I feel this way, I do. I miss them. I have 7 more days with them and I already miss them.
Today Aryn left at lunch and so I had "control" of the classroom (Jennie was there of course, lifesaver) in the afternoon. It went pretty well. Nap time was rough because the weather was finally nice and I could just tell they wanted to go outside and run. So run we did. I am so ready for this crazy weather to get a hold of itself and be Spring already. For the love of God, it's April 19th. It should not be freezing cold (literally). Next week is supposed to be a little bit nicer and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Tomorrow morning I'm taking my final teaching test. I am not too worried. I think that after 4 years if I don't know this stuff by now then I shouldn't be doing this at all, probably. It is kind of coincidental, though (annoyingly coincidental) that I have to do this right after ranting about standardized testing yesterday.
This next week is going to be pretty emotional; I can already tell. Let me just say right now: I don't cry. If I get punched in the face I probably would, and if I get really really scared I do (like when Mike came into the apartment when I wasn't expecting him and I thought I was about to get murdered) but for the most part it's not something I do when I'm "emotional." But I'm going to cry for these kids. I am definitely, definitely going to cry.
Over the last week, I've been feeling a little bit down about all of this. For a while (as I'm sure you remember if you've been reading this blog all semester) I was so frustrated with my class and I just wanted to be done with this for good. I didn't want to have anything to do with them (I feel terrible about that now) and I was so over it all. But now I wish I could take it all back. I don't want to leave. I've been feeling such a tremendous amount of love for these kids -- ALL of these kids -- this week. Maybe it's because I was out of the classroom for two mornings and it was so dreadfully boring that I missed them and they missed me and when I got back we hugged and were happy. But regardless of why I feel this way, I do. I miss them. I have 7 more days with them and I already miss them.
Today Aryn left at lunch and so I had "control" of the classroom (Jennie was there of course, lifesaver) in the afternoon. It went pretty well. Nap time was rough because the weather was finally nice and I could just tell they wanted to go outside and run. So run we did. I am so ready for this crazy weather to get a hold of itself and be Spring already. For the love of God, it's April 19th. It should not be freezing cold (literally). Next week is supposed to be a little bit nicer and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Tomorrow morning I'm taking my final teaching test. I am not too worried. I think that after 4 years if I don't know this stuff by now then I shouldn't be doing this at all, probably. It is kind of coincidental, though (annoyingly coincidental) that I have to do this right after ranting about standardized testing yesterday.
This next week is going to be pretty emotional; I can already tell. Let me just say right now: I don't cry. If I get punched in the face I probably would, and if I get really really scared I do (like when Mike came into the apartment when I wasn't expecting him and I thought I was about to get murdered) but for the most part it's not something I do when I'm "emotional." But I'm going to cry for these kids. I am definitely, definitely going to cry.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Day 64 - April 18, 2013
This blog is going to be pretty emotionally-charged. I can already tell. I am MAD today. Really, really angry. If I gave my blog posts titles (which I don't because I like to keep track of my number of days easily and it's helpful for referencing a specific day's events), today's would be "STOP TESTING." Today was the last day of testing for all of the grades, except for those children who need to make up a test tomorrow. I proctored the same 4th grade class, except this time they were doing Part II of the reading test instead of a math test. It went by much more quickly, because there were only 30-some questions rather than 60. Anyway, back to my point. As I finished up this morning and was walking to the workroom, I saw that one of the 3rd grade teachers had a sign on her door that said STOP TESTING (one word on the top line, one on the bottom). All of the teachers had similar signs to inform people in the hallways to be quiet, but this one in particular grabbed my attention, because it wasn't punctuated, so it really made it look like a protest sign more than anything. I know it wasn't meant to be that way, but I definitely agree with the sentiment. Beyond the fact that it looked like a protest sign, it mirrored my thoughts the entire time I was proctoring. "Stop testing. Please stop testing." It sounds like I wanted them to rush through and just get it over with. That's not it. I just wanted them to be done. For their sake, and (selfishly) for my own. This week was draining, and I wasn't even testing. I'm also not 9 years old. It's just too much.
Our kids were stressed out. They were so over it by the end of today. And then there were all these signs all over the 3rd-5th grade hallways that said things like "When the tests are done we can have some FUN!" (They sounded better than that but the point is they were rhyming and they all said basically the same thing). What kind of message are we sending when we say "Okay, the tests are over, now let's have fun!"? I know that I was bored to death proctoring the test, but I wouldn't have shown it to the kids. If I were a child and I had a bunch of adults basically sitting around staring at me while I took a test, knowing that when I finished we would get to "have fun" for the first time in forever, why would I want to prolong that any more? The VERY LAST question on the test today was a writing one. Yeah, right. Like a bunch of 4th graders who just sat through a 2-hour math test and then a 2-day reading test are going to want to sit down and write an essay. That is exactly why when I take any test (and mind you, I am a college senior now -- haven't changed my tactics) I flip right to the end to see if there is a long-answer section and I do that first. Usually they're at the end so I always check. Then I do short-answer. Then I do multiple choice. It's because after I answer 60-some multiple choice problems, I am so over it that anything I write is going to be just awful. I have to do it first, because writing is where you can really show what you know. You can guess on multiple-choice questions if you have absolutely no idea, which takes the pressure off. But you can't guess on an essay. Now, I've done my fair share of BS-ing my way through writing prompts I wasn't fully prepared for (cough, AP Senior English...) and I still do okay because I am a pretty strong writer. But that's just something I've developed over time -- and it definitely wasn't there when I was 9. Too many questions = brain shutdown. Those kids probably wrote a single paragraph over their prompt, when there was space for at least 3. But they were done. I was done. It was all just stupid at that point.
Another thing I hate about testing (as a monitor) is how you can't help the kids. One girl, when she finally got to the essay a million and a half questions later, had no idea what it was asking her. I sort of guessed as much when I saw the look on her face after she read through it, and I knew it for sure when she raised her hand and straight-up told me "I don't understand this question." (It was a dead giveaway. I'm not as intuitive as I pretend to be.) I told her, "Read the directions and do your best." She looked at me hopelessly and said "But I don't get it. I don't know what it wants me to do." I just said "I'm so sorry, I can't help you." I threw in that "so" before my sorry so maybe she would understand how much I really wanted to help her. As teachers we kind of toss around "I'm sorry" and use it in situations when we're really not that sorry. ("So-and-so said I was a baby!" "I'm sorry." "I tore my paper while I was erasing it!!" "I'm sorry." "I don't like this snack today!!!" "I'm sorry.") So I threw in the "so," because I really was SO SORRY. I wanted to help her understand. I don't get why I couldn't. What good does it do for a child to answer a question she doesn't fully comprehend? She could have had the most amazing essay in the world, and she could know everything about whatever the subject of the essay was supposed to be (I didn't actually read the prompt, but now I kind of wish I had) but she just didn't get the question. And I couldn't help her. I felt absolutely horrible watching her struggle. My instincts are to help. I don't see why it matters.
Testing is stupid. It is so stupid. I'm not just saying that because I had to sit at the back of a (freezing cold) classroom for hours this week. I'm not just saying it because it was inconvenient for all of us to switch around classrooms and leave teachers (Aryn) in a classroom (alone) with 26 (nut bag) kids. I'm not even saying it because the 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders didn't want to take the tests and were bored taking the tests or were even stressed out taking the tests. Test anxiety is a scary thing for kids, yes...but that's not why I think testing is stupid. I think it's stupid because it takes the most minute of facts and makes kids demonstrate their knowledge 60 times in a row. It's stupid because there are 5 problems that all look at the exact same thing. It's stupid because we teach them for years that what they know cannot be measured on a test. Tests can be wrong. Even in kindergarten, on that writing test we had to give them, they were wrong. One of our greatest writers floundered. Some of our weakest writers had a rare stroke of genius (good for them...but still not reflective of daily work). Tests don't show what we think they do, or want them to, or expect them to. Testing is stupid. It's stupid because it's just really, really, really stupid. I can't explain it better than that. I wish I could. I wish everyone could understand how meaningless this whole week was for all of us. And now tomorrow we get to "have fun" because school isn't fun until your tests are finished. How nice. How encouraging. Honestly...how stupid can we be?
Our kids were stressed out. They were so over it by the end of today. And then there were all these signs all over the 3rd-5th grade hallways that said things like "When the tests are done we can have some FUN!" (They sounded better than that but the point is they were rhyming and they all said basically the same thing). What kind of message are we sending when we say "Okay, the tests are over, now let's have fun!"? I know that I was bored to death proctoring the test, but I wouldn't have shown it to the kids. If I were a child and I had a bunch of adults basically sitting around staring at me while I took a test, knowing that when I finished we would get to "have fun" for the first time in forever, why would I want to prolong that any more? The VERY LAST question on the test today was a writing one. Yeah, right. Like a bunch of 4th graders who just sat through a 2-hour math test and then a 2-day reading test are going to want to sit down and write an essay. That is exactly why when I take any test (and mind you, I am a college senior now -- haven't changed my tactics) I flip right to the end to see if there is a long-answer section and I do that first. Usually they're at the end so I always check. Then I do short-answer. Then I do multiple choice. It's because after I answer 60-some multiple choice problems, I am so over it that anything I write is going to be just awful. I have to do it first, because writing is where you can really show what you know. You can guess on multiple-choice questions if you have absolutely no idea, which takes the pressure off. But you can't guess on an essay. Now, I've done my fair share of BS-ing my way through writing prompts I wasn't fully prepared for (cough, AP Senior English...) and I still do okay because I am a pretty strong writer. But that's just something I've developed over time -- and it definitely wasn't there when I was 9. Too many questions = brain shutdown. Those kids probably wrote a single paragraph over their prompt, when there was space for at least 3. But they were done. I was done. It was all just stupid at that point.
Another thing I hate about testing (as a monitor) is how you can't help the kids. One girl, when she finally got to the essay a million and a half questions later, had no idea what it was asking her. I sort of guessed as much when I saw the look on her face after she read through it, and I knew it for sure when she raised her hand and straight-up told me "I don't understand this question." (It was a dead giveaway. I'm not as intuitive as I pretend to be.) I told her, "Read the directions and do your best." She looked at me hopelessly and said "But I don't get it. I don't know what it wants me to do." I just said "I'm so sorry, I can't help you." I threw in that "so" before my sorry so maybe she would understand how much I really wanted to help her. As teachers we kind of toss around "I'm sorry" and use it in situations when we're really not that sorry. ("So-and-so said I was a baby!" "I'm sorry." "I tore my paper while I was erasing it!!" "I'm sorry." "I don't like this snack today!!!" "I'm sorry.") So I threw in the "so," because I really was SO SORRY. I wanted to help her understand. I don't get why I couldn't. What good does it do for a child to answer a question she doesn't fully comprehend? She could have had the most amazing essay in the world, and she could know everything about whatever the subject of the essay was supposed to be (I didn't actually read the prompt, but now I kind of wish I had) but she just didn't get the question. And I couldn't help her. I felt absolutely horrible watching her struggle. My instincts are to help. I don't see why it matters.
Testing is stupid. It is so stupid. I'm not just saying that because I had to sit at the back of a (freezing cold) classroom for hours this week. I'm not just saying it because it was inconvenient for all of us to switch around classrooms and leave teachers (Aryn) in a classroom (alone) with 26 (nut bag) kids. I'm not even saying it because the 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders didn't want to take the tests and were bored taking the tests or were even stressed out taking the tests. Test anxiety is a scary thing for kids, yes...but that's not why I think testing is stupid. I think it's stupid because it takes the most minute of facts and makes kids demonstrate their knowledge 60 times in a row. It's stupid because there are 5 problems that all look at the exact same thing. It's stupid because we teach them for years that what they know cannot be measured on a test. Tests can be wrong. Even in kindergarten, on that writing test we had to give them, they were wrong. One of our greatest writers floundered. Some of our weakest writers had a rare stroke of genius (good for them...but still not reflective of daily work). Tests don't show what we think they do, or want them to, or expect them to. Testing is stupid. It's stupid because it's just really, really, really stupid. I can't explain it better than that. I wish I could. I wish everyone could understand how meaningless this whole week was for all of us. And now tomorrow we get to "have fun" because school isn't fun until your tests are finished. How nice. How encouraging. Honestly...how stupid can we be?
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