I have been putting off writing this blog entry for 4 days. Maybe it's because I didn't know what to say. (That's not true -- I know exactly what I want to say.) Maybe it's because there's just too much I want to say. (Again, a lie -- I have it all planned out. I had it planned out on Friday afternoon. I just didn't write it.) The real reason I didn't blog last Thursday or Friday was simply because I could not handle it. I kind of thought I might cry a little and be sad when I left them for the last time, but I had no idea. I started getting a little misty-eyed when the final bell rang, and I gave each kid a hug on their way out of the door for the last time. I walked them to the bus and then went back in for my bag, like I always did. I said goodbye to my desk, and the room, and the hallway (I do this weird thing when I leave a building for the last time, don't judge me...it may or may not involve me blowing kisses to inanimate objects). I went through the office to give Jennie her goodbye present and she gave me a hug and OH MY GOD was I about to cry. I basically had to run out of the building. I got into my car and drove down the road about ten feet and then totally lost it. I literally cried the entire way home, which is a 35 minute drive so I feel like I set a new record for myself in recent years.
It was hard. I don't know why it affected me so much. I mean I do, but I don't. Of course I'll miss them. But it was more than that. This school was kind of the final piece in my "Learning to Teach" puzzle, and I just wasn't really ready to say goodbye to it yet. I think the other reason I was so upset is because of my list of lasts. "Megan, what is that?" you ask. Hold on. I'm getting to it.
In life, sometimes we can't ever be quite sure when the last time we're going to do something is. The first time is obvious -- if you've never done it before and then you do it, that's the first time. Everyone is immediately aware of their "first time" to do the big things in life: first day of school, first kiss, first car they've owned, etc. That's easy. What's hard is knowing when the last time you'll do something is. We often can't be 100% sure of when the last time of anything will be until it's already happened. In retrospect, it's easy to create a list of lasts. It's much harder to see them coming. Some people might like to see them coming. I don't want to.
What hurt me so much about last week was that I saw the "lasts" coming. It sounds kind of silly, but if you know something is going to be the last time, you treat it differently. You pay more attention to things, and you try to cherish it, and you want it to all be perfect because you know you're never going to get a chance to do these things again. But by doing all of that, you take away from whatever it was. You try to make it perfect and it's so upsetting when it isn't. You start to think "What if the last thing I say to this child is negative?" or "What if I never get to give him/her one more hug?" or "What if I don't say goodbye?" And you spend so much time trying to perfect your last moments...that you miss them.
When I look back at my life-long "List of Lasts," I can tell the difference between the ones I saw coming and the ones I did not. The unexpected lasts might not have been perfect, and sometimes I think "If I had known that the last time I _______ was going to be the last time, I would have done ______, ______, and ______ differently." I sometimes wish I could go back and cherish those "last" moments one more time. But at the same time, at least I know those moments were genuine. I wasn't trying to make them perfect because I didn't know they were going to end up on my list of lasts. They certainly weren't perfect (and a lot of times they were absolutely terrible), but at least they were real.
I knew my last day was going to be my last day. It was scheduled for me and I couldn't change it. I knew my last moments were coming. The bell rings at 3:10 every day and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My "lasts" were decided for me. I tried to make them perfect because I saw them coming. I was already sad going into them because I knew they were it. That was the end. I wish that I had been happy going into my last moments with my kids, but I just couldn't be. BECAUSE I KNEW I WAS PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO SEE THEM AGAIN. How can anyone possibly be happy going into that?! I just can't fathom how I would have done that. There's that Dr. Seuss quote -- "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." Well, I am smiling. I had a lot of wonderful, positive experiences this semester, and even some terrible ones that I learned lots from. But I still cried because it was over. I can do both, Dr. Seuss. Don't tell me what to do.
One thing that I did love about Friday, though...one thing that I've loved my whole life, is that some things just work out perfectly. Sometimes it's like the universe is telling me "Okay, Megan...look at this. This is how it should go. Do not argue." It happens to me sometimes with specific dates popping up all over the place or certain songs playing on the radio right when I'm driving past something that ties it all together. But sometimes it happens in other ways. On Friday, I went to change the Student of the Day name. This child gets to be the line leader, do the most work on the Smart Board during opening, and lead calendar time. The names rotate in alphabetical order. On Friday I reached into the folder and the name on top was Tommy's. It was Tommy's day to be line leader. And I almost couldn't believe it, because the day I walked into the classroom (January 14, 2013)...Tommy was the line leader. He was it on my first day and he was it on my last. If that's not the universe telling me everything is supposed to end this way, then I don't know what is. It's hard, but I really feel like I have to listen when things like that happen. I have to accept that it was the end, because it was. Everything was telling me that it was. Everything that happened on that day is now a part of my List of Lasts.
It was so weird to give this blog a real, actual title. It's not just a number anymore. The numbers are gone. I graduated on Saturday. I finished my four years as an undergraduate. My list got a whole lot longer over the past few weeks. It's sad when I have to add something to the list. But it's just a part of growing up, I guess. I don't know. This is why it took me so long to write this. I know what I want to say, and I'm trying to say it. I'm usually pretty good about writing how I feel. I'm just really bad about being willing to share it with people. But this blog changed that. And I could not be more grateful for it.
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