Day 50 - March 29, 2013

I cannot believe I am at day 50 now. 50 days sounds like so many, and yet I feel like I've been there for much longer. Regardless, I feel like it's a very important milestone. We are at the school for 70 days, and we're at 50. We are over 2/3 done. I only have 4 weeks left. FOUR WEEKS. I cannot believe that one month from now I will be finished with my student teaching.

Now that I feel like I'm almost there...I've been thinking: Will I ever come back to this school when I'm finished? Will I ever see Aryn again, or any of these children, or any of the other teachers? I wonder because over the last four years I have gone to many, many field sites. I've spent time with so many teachers, hundreds of children... (Wait...hundreds? Really? That sounds like a lot. At least 100 though. For sure 100.) and I never went back and saw them. On my last day at each of these places, I've said my goodbyes, and hugged the kids, and listened to the teachers tell me that I can visit any time, that they hope to see me again, that if I never need anything I can come back.

And I never do. I never, never do. I don't know why. I always mean to, but I never do. I always have my excuses -- I don't have time (valid), a lot of them are kind of a drive (also valid), and I am always already invested in a new classroom with another group of children (valid I suppose but also kind of sad). However, I've never been this invested in a classroom. 70 days is a lot. I will have been with them for half of their kindergarten experience. But even so, I still wonder if I will ever see them again. It's a little depressing to think about this now, and I have to remind myself that I still have 20 days with them and I should cherish them. Today was another great day, and it made me start to miss them already, even though I'm not even leaving yet. But it happens. Teachers don't get to stick around with their kids forever. Even Aryn, who gets to see kids in the same school from K through 5th grade, has to say goodbye sometime. Kids move away. They go on to middle and high school. They change schools, they leave town...they do. You don't get to stick with them forever. That's sad, though, isn't it? Every child I've ever worked with has made me wonder what they will be like when they grow up. I want to know what their lives will be like. I want to know what kind of person they will be. I want to know if our high school personalities match our kindergarten ones. But I won't know, because I can't just stalk a group of children for 12 years. Firstly, it's super creepy, and it's also impractical. So I always just say goodbye...and I know that they remember me for a while but then they forget.

I had a group of kindergarteners (4th graders now) when I was a senior in high school that I worked with for an hour every morning. I go back by the school a couple times a year and see them. I still get hugs (I know that'll probably end soon since they're all getting older) and we talk and they remember me...but it's getting harder. They're getting older. And I love seeing them get older and seeing how much they've changed...but it's hard because I know they're going to forget me. And I'm never going to forget them -- my first little group -- and everything they taught me. On the same note, I know I am also never going to forget the group I have now -- my last little group before I get my own -- and the amazing (though sometimes frustrating) experiences they have provided me with. I probably won't see them as often as I see my first group. I didn't go to this school, my dad doesn't teach at this school, I'm not close with all of the teachers at this school...so I probably won't come back. It's sad but it's just the feeling I'm getting. So I'm going to cherish these last 4 weeks, take lots of pictures, and always remember this little group of friends that let me teach them while they taught me so much more.

Day 49 - March 28, 2013

If I could make my blog post today sing the Hallelujah chorus, I would. Today is what I needed. Today was the boost of encouragement I’ve been looking for but haven’t been able to find over the previous few days.

I woke up this morning dreading the day, so unexcited to even be getting out of bed. I got to school and this feeling persisted until I was ready to do math. Math, the bane of my existence. Math, the source of my pain and suffering for the last four weeks. Math, my enemy. Let me tell you, I WAS WORRIED. I was very, very worried. After yesterday’s fiasco, who knew what to expect today. I just knew it was going to be crazy. I just knew I was going to end up crying in the bathroom or something. And once again, I am still dumb enough to believe I can ever predict how a day in kindergarten is going to go for me.

It was great. It was more than great. It was fantastic! I am still a little dumbfounded at how much of a success it was. I did everything Aryn talked about yesterday – I waited to get their attention but kept talking to them so that I would keep it. I stopped between every step and waited for them to put their eyes on me. I went around to each table after each step to make sure everyone was caught up with me. I praised them when they did a good job. I asked questions to keep them engaged. I had them put their hands on the head, knees, opposite ears…I did it all. And by golly, it worked! Of course it did – someone who has been teaching kindergarten since I was IN kindergarten can give some pretty amazing advice to someone who has no idea what she is doing. After it went so well in the morning, I knew I wanted to be evaluated in the afternoon. I just knew it was going to be good – or at the very least, better than yesterday. I talked with Aryn before I did it again and she gave me some more excellent advice on how to extend the lesson and get the kids excited and engaged. I did that, too, and of course it went amazingly. She evaluated me and I got a really positive review (something I’ve been needing lately).

I think I am going to be okay. Looking back on yesterday, it all seems so dramatic, but that is honestly how I felt. I am so glad that I decided to start this blog. Making myself sit down every day and write my thoughts – my REAL thoughts, not the professional academic ones I write for my student teaching binder – helps me to remember them. As long as I can read the words I wrote, I will remember how I felt when I wrote them. It’s interesting how we recognize our own writing immediately. I could read any sentence from any one of my lesson plans out of context and still know that it was mine.  I know that if I came back to this blog in 10 years, I would still be able to feel the way I felt when I wrote it. It is such a strange sensation to not just remember how something felt, but actually feel it again when reading about it. It happens to me now when I read diary entries from junior high, and it will happen to me years from now when I read these posts again. I will never forget how confused I was during the first week of school and had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I will never forget how excited I was during parent-teacher conferences. I will never forget how devastated I was yesterday when I felt like everything was falling apart around me. And now that I’ve written this, I will never forget how relieved I am today. Things went right. For the first time this week, a day went right.

I am working my way over the mental mountain (or rather, mental molehill-turned-mountain) that is my self-criticism. I am trying to consciously say good things about myself. I did this in high school whenever I stressed myself out over something or when I felt like everything was falling apart: I would look myself in the mirror and say all the things I could think of that were good about me. It sounds so cheesy, but sometimes we need to tell ourselves that we’re doing okay. That we’re going to come out of this on the other side a better, stronger person for all of the time and tears we’re putting into it. I just KNOW am going to be a good teacher, because I’m already a better one than I was when I started all of this. I hope that even by just reading this blog – even if you’ve never seen me in the classroom – you can see that this journey has been hard, but that it has been (and will be) worth it. May 4th will be a joyous day, but not just because I will be “finished” (we’re never really finished, are we?). It will be happy because I will be better…and that’s the whole reason I’m here, anyway.

Day 48 - March 27, 2013

Today is Wednesday. However, a more fitting name for today might be “The Day Megan Almost Cried in the Staff Workroom Because Someone Said She Was Good at Something.”  It sounds like it’s going to be a good thing, but it isn’t. I hated today. Today was the worst. Buckle up for a long, depressing, journey.

As I may or may not have explained already, I teach math twice a day right now. I teach it in the mornings to my own class, and then I teach the same lesson in the afternoons to the class next door. Today the lesson was about counting on a number line. My class did it fine (I thought) and so I was pumped to do it in the afternoon. Ms. Margie’s class only has about 20 children on any given day, where my class had all 26 in attendance this morning. The smaller class means things are easier (or so I thought). That’s what made today’s fiasco an unexpected disaster. I would have guessed that if one class was going to make me want to curl up in a ball, it would have been mine. But no. How dare I think I can predict what is going to happen in the world of kindergarten.

And OF COURSE today was the day I asked Aryn to evaluate my lesson. I thought “Oh, piece of cake! My class did it great, Ms. Margie’s class will do it better, and I’ll get a nice positive review!” I don’t think I have ever been so wrong about something in my student teaching experience so far. THEY WENT INSANE. I have no idea what came over them, but they were talking, running around, messing with one another’s clothes and hair, randomly falling out of their chairs…oh my god. It was a nightmare.

I could just tell things were falling apart the second they came into the room. I did everything I could think of to get them to pay attention. I went around to every table and asked them to listen to me. I clapped to get their attention. I called them out by name (!!) I had them put their heads down. I shhhhhed them. I said I needed their eyes on me over and over and over…and they WOULD NOT STOP. I felt helpless, and totally incompetent. It was a disaster – a complete and total failure. It was not the boost of encouragement I needed – and was expecting – today. It was the opposite.

After the nightmare was over, Aryn and I went to discuss my evaluation like always. We sat down in the workroom and she began her speech with “…Why don’t we throw this one out and try again?” I could have hugged her. I know that today was not representative of how I’m doing, and she knows that, too. She told me, over and over, the things I am doing right. She said my lesson plans are great, and I’m planning activities for the kids that are appropriate, and meaningful, and that they are enjoying. She said that when I’m one-on-one with a child, I am great at helping them problem-solve and work through things. She said that a lot of student teachers don’t have that, and that I do. She said I do great in small groups and individually. She said a lot of truly wonderful things and I almost felt like crying.

But I knew where it was going. I knew what turn the conversation was taking because I have this conversation with myself literally every single day I set foot in that classroom: I need practice with whole group. I have only learned about classroom management in theory, and this is the first time I am putting it into practice. All the other “practice,” all the other field experiences I’ve had, were not in kindergarten. I am going in blind here, because I have to make it all up as I go. So today, we talked. We haven’t sat down and talked like this regarding classroom control yet (which is strange because I know it’s what I need the most help in). She gave me some great advice that I’m going to try for the rest of the semester. The most important thing, I think, is that regardless of how much time it is taking and how long you have to stand there and nag, nag, nag…you have to get every single child’s attention. Every time. Always. Every single time, I should have 52 little eyes looking at me, because if I don’t then I’ll lose them. I shouldn’t be afraid to call them out by name. I shouldn’t be afraid to wait for them to listen. I should not just go on and assume that they’ll notice I’ve left them behind and will strive to listen better. This sounds reasonable, but like most things that I think sound reasonable in kindergarten, it does not work. Aryn knows this because she’s been doing it for 16 years. I don’t know it yet, but I will. If you leave kids behind, she told me, they won’t bother trying to catch up. It’s nice in our classroom now because we have Ms. Jennie, so there is someone to walk around and help keep them on track. But this week I have asked that they not help me…because I can’t guarantee that I’ll have that help in the future, and I need to learn how to do it alone. Aryn gets that, and she is letting me struggle so that I can learn this.

Attention getting strategies are also one of my weaknesses. I default to the clap pattern one, which works to get their immediate attention but it doesn’t sustain it. Aryn suggested I do movement things like asking them to put their hands on their head (good) or their hands on their opposite ears (even better, because crossing that midline makes their little brains turn on). And sometimes, she told me, even this doesn’t work. Sometimes, you have to stop them – completely – and just wait. Don’t wait in silence, because then you’ll lose them again. Don’t go on with the lesson, because you won’t gain back the ones you’ve already lost. Talk. Not about the lesson, but about your expectations for listening. Talk and wait, until they’re all back to you. One child can distract everyone around him, and they get louder and louder…and then you get louder to counteract it…and then we’re all basically screaming at one another and we all fall down.  Getting attention isn’t enough. The key is to keep it. I am slowly (hopefully) learning to keep their attention. It’s hard, because I’ve completely taken over the classroom this week and it’s confusing for them. I am doing everything: transitions, telling them when to clean up, telling them when they can take breaks, go to the bathroom, get drinks, etc. Aryn has completely moved away from the authority position and defers all questions to me. Firstly, that is terrifying for me but it’s something I obviously will need to be used to by the time the semester is over. Secondly, it’s hard for them because they still need to understand that I’m completely in charge now. I am THE TEACHER. I am trying my best to convey this to them, but I think it’s hard for them because it’s also hard for me. Aryn says I need to put my “mean eyes” on sometimes. Evidently my eyes aren’t mean enough. I’m trying.

Aryn also made sure to tell me that every teacher has days like this.  She says it’s okay – there are just lessons that don’t work, kids that won’t listen, and days that never fully come together the way we want them to. It happens and it is “okay.” Well that is well and good for everyone else, but most people aren’t as tough of a self-critic as I am. I’m too hard on myself. I know this and I see this. But myself is going to have to just suck it up, I guess, because I have to succeed at this. If I don’t…what have I been doing with the last 4 years? More importantly, what have I been doing with my life? Regardless, I cannot do days like this anymore. I need to show improvement (by my own high standards) or I am going to completely lose it. I just felt so lost today. I suppose it could be because I’ve always just been good at things. It sounds bratty but it’s true. I don’t think I know how to fail at something, and  I think that knowing how to find wisdom in failure is important. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I think that I am actually at failure at failing. Failing gracefully and wisely that is…as you can see by this ridiculously long explanation of my horrible day, I’m kind of a pro at just normal failure.

In retrospect, I guess today could also be called “The Day Megan Almost Cried in the Staff Workroom Because She is Way Too Mean to Herself.”  I need to try to be nicer to myself for the next 22 (24?) days. Like I've said before, I think others see the good things we miss. I'm missing a lot these days.

Day 47 - March 26, 2013

Day 47. 47 of 70 (72? I don't know how snow days work yet.) is finished. I am working my way there. I am well over halfway done...and I still feel like I have so far to go.

The kids are just driving me bananas lately. Today during free-choice centers I looked carefully at each one of them. I saw in every single one of them a child that I love, that has strengths and interests and sweetness (most of the time). I looked at each one of them and thought "How could this child ever do anything to upset me? They are so wonderful!" And then I looked at the group as a whole...and I almost lost my mind. I don't know what it is, but when these sweet, wonderful, beautiful children get together, they become a monster whose only goal is to make me lose my mind one piece at a time! They worked together so well -- so terribly well -- to become something absolutely insane.

The second day of my unit went better than the first. I made some last-minute changes to the lesson and I think it improved it a lot. I don't know if we are supposed to change what we have written on the lesson plan (I'm guessing not) but I just don't see why it would be better for us to do a lesson that we know is going to be chaotic -- like I realized my original plan would have been -- rather than do something we know is going to be better. I opted for the "do the better thing" option, and I hope that I didn't mess everything up by doing that. It makes sense to me, so that's how it's going.

I'm still feeling a little helpless and trapped right now. I am so desperate to be done student teaching, and yet I still have 23 (25?) days to go. I feel like I'm just going through the motions right now, which is NOT how I want things to be going right now. I want to be excited! I want to look forward to school! And I...don't.

Today I was sitting in the classroom during our break (the kids were at P.E.) and I found myself thinking "This is it. This is where I break down." I just cannot get it together. I feel like it's my first day again and I'm panicking because I have no idea what I want to do with my life or if I can even be a teacher without royally screwing it up. But it's not my first day...it's my FORTY-SEVENTH day and I still cannot shake this feeling. Spring Break really caused me to regress. It was probably the worst thing that could have happened this semester. I can't believe I was so looking forward to it. If I had only known what it was going to do to me...

How did I suddenly undo everything I've been working toward? My confidence is gone. My desire to get up and drive to school every day is gone. The feeling that I'm doing things right, that people are seeing the goodness (the greatness) in what I'm doing...is gone. I am 99% sure this is entirely in my head and I just need to snap out of it. But I'm also 1% really concerned that I somehow HAVE gotten worse over the last week. I say this a lot, but I really mean it this time:

CAN I HONESTLY LEARN TO TEACH?!?!

Day 46 - March 25, 2013

Today was just one of those days where things were just...off. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Spring Break is a bad thing. A very, very bad thing.

Time away from school needs to come in very specific doses. A couple of days (Thursday/Friday or Friday/Monday) makes a long weekend and those are always wonderful. Long weekends mean short weeks...and short weeks are fantastic. I don't know what it is about having only 4 days in a week, but it feels SO much shorter when just that one day is missing. A couple of weeks (like Christmas break) are nice, because they're long enough that you can really get things done, relax, and by the time it's over you are ready to go back.

But Spring Break -- one week -- is the worst. It is right in the middle of these two wonderful lengths of time. It is long enough that you feel really good about being away from school...but it's short enough that you really, really are not ready to go back when it is time. I feel just awful saying this...but I am just feeling really "over it" right now. I got a whiff of what it's like to be away from school, in the real world (I worked every day, I met with a principal for a job interview, I did lesson plans well in advance) and now I do not want to go back. I would much rather have powered through and ended all of this a week earlier. There are five weeks. FIVE. I have done 10 weeks so far, and this is HALF of that...and I don't think I can take it! I am really falling apart. Not emotionally...and I'm not worried that I'm not going to get it all done (it's pretty much all done already)...but my motivation is just all of a sudden gone.

I started my big unit today and I barely even cared. I put on my excited face for the kids and they got really into it, but inside I was just constantly sighing. I don't know what's going on with me, but I need to snap out of it or these last few weeks are going to be torture. I feel just terrible thinking this way, but I am just so ready to jump into my real life now. I wish Spring Break had never happened, because I was feeling great, really into my groove and latched onto a great routine...and now here I am feeling frustrated, bored, and unmotivated. This was the absolute wrong time for all of this to hit me, because these next two weeks I need to be more motivated and on my game than I have been all semester. I think I waited too long. I should have done my unit before Spring Break when I was feeling good. (I couldn't anyway because the concert is next week and I needed it to all fit together, but I think it would have been better for me individually.)

I wonder if any of the other student teachers are feeling this way. I know most of them have finished their units and are on the downhill slide (some aren't even teaching anything at all now) but there have got to be some like me who are just starting and frankly are just no really "feeling it" right now. Oh, who knows. Maybe tomorrow I'll be hyped up and ready to talk about pirates for 8 hours. But I'm very, very worried that maybe...I just won't. And I don't know what to do if I don't.

Day 45 - March 15, 2013

Today was Moms and Muffins! It was very fun. We had a ton of muffins, and the kids could bring their moms to eat breakfast with them and go to an assembly celebrating them. I could not believe how many moms came! The cafeteria was completely full (people were sitting on the stage to eat their muffins) and we still had people in line for coffee and orange juice. I worked the orange juice station. It was fun, because it was the beginning of the muffin line and so every single mom passed me. It was a teensy bit mindblowing, because as teachers we sometimes forget that every child is someone's baby. It sounds so stupid to say, but when there are 26 kids running around you every single day, some of them get lost sometimes. (Not really, obviously...but lost in the sea of everyone else.)

And then with that, we sometimes can get frustrated when parents show up at the school randomly and want to talk about their children (doesn't happen to me yet, but it does to Aryn) right in the smack-dab middle of teaching time or when we're all running around trying to get things done. We can find ourselves thinking "I have 26 kids here. TWENTY-SIX." But these parents don't have 26 kids. They have 1. This little kindergartener is their entire world. My world has 26 of them there...fighting for my attention and time and love...but their world is completely centered around 1. I know it sounds ridiculous to say this (I mean obviously all of this is true) but it's just how I was thinking today.

I say I love my little kids a lot. I tell them, too. But today I got to actually see the women in their lives who love them a million billion times more than I ever could. I've met the moms before at conferences, but this was the first time I got to see them with their babies. I think that's a good life lesson, too...to just remember that everyone is somebody's baby. We can get frustrated with people and sometimes wonder what is WRONG with them?!...but they are still somebody's baby, and that somebody loves them very, very much.

Day 44 - March 14, 2013

1 day! 1 day! 1 day!

Today was a very fun day. We had Jump Rope for Heart today, so I got to watch my kiddos do little tricks with their jump ropes and hula hoops (like jumping two people to one jump rope or spinning the hula hoops around their arms/necks/etc.). They were so cute, and a TON of parents came to watch, which was exciting for the children because they got to “show off” their skills. Then I rearranged the schedule this afternoon so we could go watch the 4^th and 5^th grades when they did their routines. THEY WERE AMAZING. Cartwheels into backflips into the moving rope…kids jumping off of other kids and landing mid-jump in the moving rope…flips and turns and hops and skips…I was blown away! I’m not entirely sure that I could successfully jump rope at all right now, and I know I definitely could never do a backflip (cartwheels I can handle if I have a wide area to do them in). I can’t even begin to fathom how you time it so that your backflip lands you inside of the jump rope at the right time! I was cheering so loud in the stands when they did their routines. They choreographed them all on their own (I was told) and chose their own groups, music, costumes, everything. It was so great to see kids cooperating in such an awesome way. My kids were a little jealous that they didn’t get to do “cool” things like the big kids, but I told them that eventually they will be able to do it, too!

I am feeling a little under the weather today. I worry that it is fifth disease, because a bunch of the kids in my class have had it recently, and I don’t think I ever had it as a child so I’m not immune to it. I was doing some research on it and it seems likely that I have it, because it spreads like wildfire in schools and as an almost-first-year teacher (basically) I haven’t been exposed to all of these lovely little illnesses yet. I just have a headache and some cold-like symptoms, so it’s not too bad. The worst part (if I have it) will be the red cheeks. I checked to make sure I wasn’t contagious before I went to school today, but Aryn told me that once you start to show symptoms you’re not contagious anymore. I think that’s why it spreads so easily -- no one knows they have it until they’ve given it to everyone around them. Aryn also told me that it is no big deal except for when it affects pregnant women, so no worries here! I know one of the teachers at the school who is pregnant has been seeing her doctor to make sure she wasn’t exposed, and I think it's okay. The next few days will tell in my case…I might end up with some rosy red cheeks over Spring Break. (Which is in 1 day! 1 day!)

One of my biggest issues today was that a child in my class has been self-harming whenever he gets in trouble or is frustrated. It just breaks my heart. Aryn and the counselor and the principal have talked with him about it, and I think they’re making progress…but it is still just a hard thing. At 5 years old…life should not be so hard. I do my best to make it easier wherever I can. I think it’s really important to remember that we don’t know what’s going on in children’s minds or how they’re feeling emotionally. A lot of the time, they tell us. But I think a lot of the time, they don’t. We have to keep this in mind, because we don’t want what we say to make things worse. We should always, always be making things better, especially if we are the only stable adults in their lives that are making things easier and not harder. My entire educational philosophy is based around the idea that home life and other extenuating circumstances dictate how children behave at school and how they deal with problems. One of my greatest fears is that I am going to accidentally make things worse for a child instead of better. However, I think that having the mindset that I do helps to alleviate some of the situations in which I could potentially worsen the situation. I’m always thinking about context, and so I operate within the appropriate context. It’s also helpful that Cushing is kind of small community, because Aryn knows a lot about all of the children and their families, and her insights help me to know what each child needs.

Tomorrow is Moms & Muffins, which I am looking forward to. I am not entirely sure what this entails, but I know that I’m headed to Walmart in a bit to buy some muffins! They didn’t tell us we needed to bring any (“we” being the student teachers) but Christina and I thought it would be nice to bring some anyway. This school and the staff is doing so much for us, so I think the least I can do is give a little back.

Day 43 - March 13, 2013

2 days! 2 days! 2 days!

Today was full of  good things, with a few bad things sprinkled in. My class was really good today - we had a fun hands-on math lesson (measuring classroom objects with linking cubes), they got to go outside again, and we had a good time in centers and rotations. We played nice (mostly). Our handwriting was spectacular - Zs are fun. :)

The best part of today were my two little guys who never fail to amaze me when it comes to center time. During centers, the kids can choose literally ANYTHING in the classroom to play with. Blocks are always a hit, I turned the Smart Board on for them today, they can draw/color, we have so many manipulatives and things to build with... and then there are my boys. There are two of them (best friends) who choose the most incredible things to do during centers. Last month, they were on a kick where they would roll two of our large foam dice, add them together, and then graph the total to compare which numbers they rolled the most. No joke - they legitimately came up with this game on their own and played it for all of center time (twice a day, for a total of one hour). I was amazed. Aryn told me that I shouldn't expect all children to be so interested in things like this during their free time. :) Then today, these same two boys were just using plain drawing paper to write and solve addition problems. They were doing 2+2, 4+4...and then they wanted to do 100+100 so Jennie showed them how to write it vertically and add down each column. It's so advanced for them, but they are actually really excited about it! I gave them some more simple ones to do (e.g., ones without any carrying involved) and did those with them. I just am so astounded by what they love to do.

The bad parts of today stemmed from some of the children threatening violence against themselves and others. It makes me so sad that children at this young of an age are already being exposed to things like this. I should never hear a kindergartener say they are going to kill another child...and yet here I am, hearing it today. I honestly did not know what to do - I took it to Aryn, who took it to the principal, who called in the counselor. It's just hard. Children shouldn't think like that. It makes me worry for them...if they're having these thoughts now (and voicing them), is it something that is going to persist and expand? Or is it something they "grow out of?" I really can't imagine that it is. I fear that the children who are already using threats of violence in their interactions with peers may one day turn to actual violence. I don't know. It's not a definite -- I can't predict what any child will be like next year, in five years, or in twenty years. But I know what I have seen...and it scares me.

And now, to end on a lighter note -- a journal from yesterday! If you'll recall, I had them write about their "job" (being a student) and what they like about it. Here is what I was presented with from one of my little guys:

Translation: "My job at school is hugging Ms. Megan, Ms. Aryn, and Ms. Jennie."

 

 

I give to you, THE SWEETEST CHILD EVER!

Day 42 - March 12, 2013

3 days! 3 days! 3 days!

It is almost Spring Break, and I could not be more ready. It will be so nice to just take a break, get it all together, collect myself, and come back raring to go for my unit. I definitely need this refresher before I start it, because if I had to do it this week, I would lose my mind. It is just not going so hot this week. For many reasons.

Firstly, the bomb threats. Holy moly. It's still on the news, in the newspapers, etc., and there have been news stories written about how suspects are at large, how suspicious materials were found at a house in Tulsa related to the threat...and more. Parents are semi-freaking out. I follow the Cushing Public Schools page on Facebook and parents on there are complaining that school is in session at all(apparently we should have cancelled this entire week - like that's reasonable) and that the school district is "lying" and "hiding things" from them regarding these threats. Obviously I'm not on the inside and I don't necessarily know what exactly is going on, but it is making things a little tense at school and in the community. We only had 2 kids gone today, which was relieving because I was worried that more would be gone because of the new developments in the situation. Luckily, parents felt confident enough to send the kids back that they kept yesterday. Thank goodness!

We got to go outside today! That was such a relief, since we've been inside every day since about a week ago. The kids need to RUN!! And boy, did they. I'm also thankful that it has warmed up a little, since I'm on recess duty this week and I do not do well in the cold.

We journaled today about what the children like to do at school, and their entries were really great. It is so uplifting to see such progress in their writing after only being with them for 42 days. They are sounding out words on their own, learning more complex things like digraphs and blends, using punctuation and capitalization, and matching their illustrations to their writing! I took a lot of pictures again, and maybe I'll put some on here tomorrow. :)

I felt really good today about everything I taught. It was a good day. I need these last 3 days to be good, too. I really, really need it. One perfect week would be a great way to end this chapter (the pre-break chapter) of my student teaching experience. I'm not going to jinx myself like I did last week by saying "it's all downhill from here"...but I am thinking it.

Day 41 - March 11, 2013

Today was another kind of strange day, but it has nothing on Friday's ridiculousness! We had a police officer at the school kind of patrolling around, but at least he didn't have a rifle strapped to his chest. There was apparently another threat over the weekend, and it was on the news and in the newspapers. A lot of parents were hesitant to send their children to school because of all of this, so we had a small class today (20 instead of the regular 26). It's amazing what a difference it makes when even one child is gone, not to mention six! I hate to say it, because it's best for the children to be at school...but one day with a smaller class is a nice break.

I also did my midterm evaluation today. I did a self-evaluation and then Aryn did hers for me, too. We compared afterwards. Let me just put this out there -- I am VERY tough on myself when it comes to evaluations. If it is set up on a 1-4 scale (as this one was) with 4 being "exceeds expectations," 3 being "meets expectations," 2 being "approaches," and 1 being "you are terrible - what are you even doing here?" I will never give myself a 4. It's so weird to me to rate myself that high. I just think of it like this: I set expectations for myself at all times, and they're really high. Like, really high. I have high expectations for myself but pretty low confidence, so it is nearly impossible for me to exceed my own expectations. I either meet them or I do not. There is no "exceeds" to me. So I gave myself mostly 3s with a lot of 2s, and each one got an explanation on why I think I need help with whatever it is. This is also how I think at work when I do these self-evaluations, where I actually am super confident...but I still don't think it's possible to do better than I expect of myself. And every time, I hear other people telling me I'm "too hard on myself" and I see other people give me mostly 4s with some 3s (like Aryn did today). I can't help it. I am hard on myself.

This got me thinking, though...maybe it's not that I'm just too hard on myself. Maybe it's that I legitimately do not see the things that others see when they look at me. I think I'm doing something one way, but it doesn't look that way to everyone else. I think that's why comparing our own perceptions of ourselves to others' evaluations of us is so important, because it helps us to see what we might be overlooking. It makes me feel better about myself and my teaching, knowing that Aryn thinks I'm exceeding in all of these areas that I thought I was lacking in. I feel dumb, because I hear people say these things and I just ignore them so that I can tell myself that I'm doing worse than they say. That makes no sense.

I'm beginning to see that one of the biggest parts of teaching is just believing that you can do it, and that you can teach it, and that you're doing a good job. If you don't think you can teach it, the children aren't going to think they can learn it. I'm finally seeing that -- now, in week 9. I see it.

Maybe we're all a little too hard on ourselves sometimes. We want to be great, but we trick ourselves into thinking that we aren't. It's interesting how other people see the strengths that we miss in ourselves.

Day 40 - March 8, 2013

On Wednesday when I said the week is all "downhill from here," I had no idea how right I was. Yesterday was madness, but it was nothing compared to today. The mom of the girl who had a mini panic attack yesterday came in the this morning, really unhappy. I guess no one called her to explain the situation and her daughter was really upset all night. I felt like the worst person on the entire planet in that moment. I wanted to go cry in the corner like my kids do when they get into trouble! I don't think that I necessarily did anything wrong (in fact, I KNOW I did the right thing and said all the right things to her when we were talking about it), but I still felt like I should have done something different. Oh, I don't know anymore. Can I honestly learn to teach?

I didn't think it could get any more downhill than that. But boy, does life have fun little surprises for us. Later, one child in our class threatened another child with physical harm, so that merited a trip to the principal and a discussion with the counselor and a calling of the parents...it was dramatic.

And then the lockdown. Yes, it really happened -- we went into lockdown. Lights off, door locked, curtains closed, kids in the corner with us around them, sitting...silently. I have always been prepared for things like this mentally (and I wasn't scared or anything) but it was hard to sit there and not know what was happening. I'm sure the kids felt this, too -- but more so. We sat there for what felt like forever but could not have been more than 20 minutes. Thankfully, all 26 children were in the classroom when we went into lockdown, so we didn't have to worry about where they were. The only "scary" moment was when the principal came to check on each class and she knocked on the door. We weren't expecting it, and it was pretty loud, so I think all three of us (the teachers) jumped about a foot into the air. I guess we were all a little more nervous than we let on.

After the lockdown was let up, we still had to keep our kids in the classroom. This meant they had to be escorted to the bathroom and we had to do a double knock on the door to be let back in. Luckily since it was Friday, we were just doing Fun Friday rotations so the three of us could be in, out, and all around the classroom as needed. Of course today was the day I did the messiest craft with my group, so I had hands covered in paint and liquid starch, running around the room. Then, when we finally finished our rotations and were ready to have snack, we were told that school would be dismissed at 2:55 instead of the usual 3:10/3:15... so we were rushing, running, trying to get coats on and backpacks zipped and snacks eaten and tables cleaned and chairs stacked. I'm exhausted just thinking about how absolutely ridiculous today was. I even got to leave at 3:00 because all the children were gone by then, but it still feels like the longest day of my 40 days so far.

This day was banana sandwich. And I am thankful that it is over. I am thankful that all of the children are safe, and that even though it wasn't a drill, we could tell them that it was. Because nothing happened to us. It's scary these days to sit there picturing what could happen. I wish I didn't have to seriously plan how to get kids out of the room and away if I need to. But I do. And I guess that is a good thing. Just a sad one.

Day 39 - March 7, 2013

What a day, what a day, what a day...

Today felt really long. Like, REALLY long. We had a fire drill this morning, which threw us off a little because it happened right when we were walking to P.E., and so we had to go outside in the crazy wind. The kids were all squealing about how cold they were and we missed about 10 minutes of P.E. because of it! A highlight of the morning was that I got to drive over to the Pre-K center in town and observe another student teacher do an art lesson with her kids. They were adorable, and they really liked it! I am glad that we get to go into one another's classrooms and see what goes on.

After lunch, Aryn left for a 1/2 personal day, so it was Jennie and I in the classroom. I did the other half of my pre-assessment (a journal entry about what they would do if they were pirates) and it went fantastic! Their entries were adorable. I am excited to see how they do on the rest of their entries. Math went well too, both morning and afternoon. Things were going great...

And then. It happened. Yesterday Aryn had a class meeting with all of the children to talk about the way they treat our library books. The rule now is that any child who sits, stands, throws, or otherwise mistreats a book will need to move his/her name on the discipline chart. And today, it happened. One girl (who hardky ever gets into trouble) was pushing a book around on the carpet, which Aryn used as a specific example of what NOT to do with the books. So I talked with her about it, and I asked her what we needed to do next. She said, "move my name?" And I said yes...that's the rule for the class now, so that's the rule for her, too.

Disaster. Crying. Hyperventilating. Crying. Begging. Crying.

It went on for about 30 minutes. I was trying to decide between teaching the class and helping her get control, and Jennie was trying to both things at once...and it was rough. Really rough. I wanted to cry, too. I could not stop thinking about it on my way home from school today. I felt like such a terrible person. I hate it when they cry, I really do. I didn't want to make her cry.

That's the hardest part of teaching. Knowing how to teach and assess and all of that is one thing...but you also want to make them feel good about themselves. Help them. Keep their spirits up. I do not think that I did that today. I tried to calm her down, and talk to her about how we all make mistakes and the important thing is that we learn from them...but Jennie still had to bust out the paper bag to stop the hyperventilating. So that was kind of an unsuccessful discussion.

Oh, well. Tomorrow is a new day.

Day 38 - March 6, 2013

Today was another good day! It seems like Wednesdays are like that lately. Math went well (we played War with Jacks, Queens, and Kings as well as A-10). I was pleased with the lesson overall. Tomorrow we are distinguishing left and right, which I'm a little nervous about...but we'll see! We're singing the Hokey Pokey, so that will be fun.

The most exciting part of today was my handwriting lesson. Whenever we don't have a letter for the week in Reading (like this week) I've been doing numbers with them. We did 1-30 about five times over the last few weeks, but today I gave them a real challenge: a blank 100s chart that they were to fill in 1-100. I told them at the beginning that I did not expect them all to finish in the 20 minutes we had before switching with Ms. Margie's class, and that we would have plenty of time to finish later. TEN OF THEM DID IT IN 20 MINUTES! I was ecstatic. The other 12 finished during centers later. All of them but four finished, and they went to 50 (which was good enough for me!).

It was fascinating to see them fill in the numbers. I have tried to show them the patterns in a hundreds chart before (how all of the numbers in a row start with the same number and all of the numbers in a column end in the same number) but it just didn't click until they were filling in the numbers themselves. By the time they got to the 40s, I saw a lot of their little light bulbs turn on, and they realized that they didn't have to keep counting on every single time...they just followed the patterns. Some of them even started filling in their chart going down rather than across, because they saw the pattern. I am just blown away by how they figure things out. That is why I do love math, but in small groups or individually. I get to really watch them and talk with them about how they find their answers and how there are so many ways to get the same answer. That's the best part about doing the Drops in the Bucket math with them during my small-group rotations, because I have them do the problems individually and then compare to see if they did it the same as or differently than everyone else. It really is so interesting to watch them compare answers and methods.

I'm feeling good right now. Wednesdays are nice. This week's all downhill from here! Seven more school days until Spring Break. :)

Day 37 - March 5, 2013

Today was a fantastic day! I don't know quite what it was, but I am just feeling in that really good mood again. The kids were a little wild today, but I did not let it bring me down. Math went pretty well, and I cannot get over how amazing it is to get to teach it twice a day. The afternoon session is ALWAYS better. I feel a little bad for my kids since they get the worst of it each day, but I'm thankful that I get that chance to practice some more.

One of the best parts of today was journaling. Usually I come up with an appropriate prompt for whatever we are learning about that week, and I put a sentence starter on the board (like "I love...") and then have them finish the sentence. Today, however, I didn't use a sentence starter, I just asked them to tell me what they wanted to be when they grew up. They really ran with it! I was so excited, and Aryn was, too. Their illustrations were fantastic, and they are getting so much better at sounding words out. I took a picture of each one of their entries (all 26 were here again today) because I am just so proud of them! Here are a few of my favorites:

"I want to be a cop."

 

"I want to B a chef."

 

 

 "I want like to bey a vet neren"

(I would like to be a veterinarian)

"I am grnt to Beu a nrs"

(I am going to be a nurse)

 

"I want to bey a vet"

(I want to be a vet)

"Wen I groe up I wont to Bee a Plysman."

(When I grow up I want to be a police man)

They're just so adorable! I want to put them all here but it would just be too long. :)

Day 36 - March 4, 2013

Today was a pretty good day. It went by quickly, which is always nice. The best part of today was that math went really well! I tossed the Saxon Math lesson plan out the window and did my own thing (I'd already lesson planned for it, so I wasn't just pulling it out of thin air). I created a Smart Board page, made it all interactive, and did it with both classes today. Aryn complimented me and said she really liked the modifications that I had made! It was exciting, especially since math is my nightmare. (Have I mentioned that before?)

Today was also fun because I did my oceans pre-assessment. I had a blank map with five places marked (one on each ocean) and the names of the oceans cut out on different colored pieces of paper. I had the children go through them one at a time and put them where they thought they belonged. I emphasized that I didn't expect them to know all of the answers yet, since I haven't taught them anything about oceans! They really did try hard on the pre-assessment. Afterwards, I noticed that a whole lot of them put the Arctic Ocean down at the bottom, and I realized that they had just done a penguin unit before I got there, and so they connected "Arctic" with "Antarctica" and knew that penguins live at the South Pole...or Antarctica. It was pretty clever and showed good critical thinking skills...even though it was still wrong. I'll have to make sure to talk about the difference between the two places explicitly when I start my unit. In the end, most of them placed 0 correctly, a few placed 1, and one child placed 2 correctly. I'm pleased, because this leaves a lot of room for improvement! I think that once I teach them the song and we practice over and over, they will all show marked improvement by the end of the unit. I'm very excited to see how they grow over the next month.

I am aiming to finish most if not all of my lesson plans this week. I have 1/2 of next week's plans done, and I want to finish at least Opening, Journaling, Handwriting, Math, and Reading for the next 6 weeks. I'm saving planning Rotations because those depend on how the children are doing and what we need practice with, so it's best not to plan those well ahead of time. But the rest of them are pretty straightforward and I just need to put it all into writing! That is my project for the week. We'll see how my progress is coming when Friday rolls around.

Day 35 - March 1, 2013

And so ends the craziest week to date. The kids were BANANAS today. Absolutely insane! This week was fun for them, but it was hard for us as teachers. We had an assembly every day, we had an extra assembly today, the kids were dressed up wackily every day, they had to have indoor recess every day...I can only hope and pray that next week is much better than this one. Missing a day and a half for me didn't help (and I'm sure it made things more difficult for Aryn, too). Luckily, I was back before Jennie got sick (Wednesday) and so it was never just one teacher in the room with all 26 kids.

I am ready for Spring Break! I'm definitely excited for the week off, but I'm also really excited to do my unit. I'm partly excited because I want to see how it goes and if I can successfully teach everything I want to teach to them, and partly -- well, mostly -- excited because once I finish it I am on the downhill slide! I immediately start giving back control of the classroom over the final 4 weeks and I get closer and closer to graduation...and throwing myself fully into my graduate studies...and getting married. :)

This is going to be a very interesting next couple of months. Graduation is 2 months away. It sounds unbelievable. I've been working for this for the last four years, and now we're down to 2 months. It is so crazy to think about. I feel like it hasn't been that long, and yet at the same time I know it has. I am so ready to finally have that teaching degree!

This weekend I'm actually going to relax and have some fun, just like everyone is always telling me to do. Of course, I still have a To-Do list with a bunch of things on it, but I think I can knock them out tonight and Sunday, which means I get to actually be a normal human being for a day tomorrow. We'll see if I like it.