Epilogue - My List of Lasts

I have been putting off writing this blog entry for 4 days. Maybe it's because I didn't know what to say. (That's not true -- I know exactly what I want to say.) Maybe it's because there's just too much I want to say. (Again, a lie -- I have it all planned out. I had it planned out on Friday afternoon. I just didn't write it.) The real reason I didn't blog last Thursday or Friday was simply because I could not handle it. I kind of thought I might cry a little and be sad when I left them for the last time, but I had no idea. I started getting a little misty-eyed when the final bell rang, and I gave each kid a hug on their way out of the door for the last time. I walked them to the bus and then went back in for my bag, like I always did. I said goodbye to my desk, and the room, and the hallway (I do this weird thing when I leave a building for the last time, don't judge me...it may or may not involve me blowing kisses to inanimate objects). I went through the office to give Jennie her goodbye present and she gave me a hug and OH MY GOD was I about to cry. I basically had to run out of the building. I got into my car and drove down the road about ten feet and then totally lost it. I literally cried the entire way home, which is a 35 minute drive so I feel like I set a new record for myself in recent years.

It was hard. I don't know why it affected me so much. I mean I do, but I don't. Of course I'll miss them. But it was more than that. This school was kind of the final piece in my "Learning to Teach" puzzle, and I just wasn't really ready to say goodbye to it yet. I think the other reason I was so upset is because of my list of lasts. "Megan, what is that?" you ask. Hold on. I'm getting to it.

In life, sometimes we can't ever be quite sure when the last time we're going to do something is. The first time is obvious -- if you've never done it before and then you do it, that's the first time. Everyone is immediately aware of their "first time" to do the big things in life: first day of school, first kiss, first car they've owned, etc. That's easy. What's hard is knowing when the last time you'll do something is. We often can't be 100% sure of when the last time of anything will be until it's already happened. In retrospect, it's easy to create a list of lasts. It's much harder to see them coming. Some people might like to see them coming. I don't want to.

What hurt me so much about last week was that I saw the "lasts" coming. It sounds kind of silly, but if you know something is going to be the last time, you treat it differently. You pay more attention to things, and you try to cherish it, and you want it to all be perfect because you know you're never going to get a chance to do these things again. But by doing all of that, you take away from whatever it was. You try to make it perfect and it's so upsetting when it isn't. You start to think "What if the last thing I say to this child is negative?" or "What if I never get to give him/her one more hug?" or "What if I don't say goodbye?" And you spend so much time trying to perfect your last moments...that you miss them.

When I look back at my life-long "List of Lasts," I can tell the difference between the ones I saw coming and the ones I did not. The unexpected lasts might not have been perfect, and sometimes I think "If I had known that the last time I _______ was going to be the last time, I would have done ______, ______, and ______ differently." I sometimes wish I could go back and cherish those "last" moments one more time. But at the same time, at least I know those moments were genuine. I wasn't trying to make them perfect because I didn't know they were going to end up on my list of lasts. They certainly weren't perfect (and a lot of times they were absolutely terrible), but at least they were real.

I knew my last day was going to be my last day. It was scheduled for me and I couldn't change it. I knew my last moments were coming. The bell rings at 3:10 every day and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My "lasts" were decided for me. I tried to make them perfect because I saw them coming. I was already sad going into them because I knew they were it. That was the end. I wish that I had been happy going into my last moments with my kids, but I just couldn't be. BECAUSE I KNEW I WAS PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO SEE THEM AGAIN. How can anyone possibly be happy going into that?! I just can't fathom how I would have done that. There's that Dr. Seuss quote -- "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." Well, I am smiling. I had a lot of wonderful, positive experiences this semester, and even some terrible ones that I learned lots from. But I still cried because it was over. I can do both, Dr. Seuss. Don't tell me what to do.

One thing that I did love about Friday, though...one thing that I've loved my whole life, is that some things just work out perfectly. Sometimes it's like the universe is telling me "Okay, Megan...look at this. This is how it should go. Do not argue." It happens to me sometimes with specific dates popping up all over the place  or certain songs playing on the radio right when I'm driving past something that ties it all together. But sometimes it happens in other ways. On Friday, I went to change the Student of the Day name. This child gets to be the line leader, do the most work on the Smart Board during opening, and lead calendar time. The names rotate in alphabetical order. On Friday I reached into the folder and the name on top was Tommy's. It was Tommy's day to be line leader. And I almost couldn't believe it, because the day I walked into the classroom (January 14, 2013)...Tommy was the line leader. He was it on my first day and he was it on my last. If that's not the universe telling me everything is supposed to end this way, then I don't know what is. It's hard, but I really feel like I have to listen when things like that happen. I have to accept that it was the end, because it was. Everything was telling me that it was. Everything that happened on that day is now a part of my List of Lasts.

It was so weird to give this blog a real, actual title. It's not just a number anymore. The numbers are gone. I graduated on Saturday. I finished my four years as an undergraduate. My list got a whole lot longer over the past few weeks. It's sad when I have to add something to the list. But it's just a part of growing up, I guess. I don't know. This is why it took me so long to write this. I know what I want to say, and I'm trying to say it. I'm usually pretty good about writing how I feel. I'm just really bad about being willing to share it with people. But this blog changed that. And I could not be more grateful for it.

Day 70 - April 26, 2013

This is it. Day 70. I've been waiting for this day since I started. I've been counting up, counting down, planning for and anticipating. And now it is here. I don't even know where to start. I'm getting a little emotional trying to write this. How can I possibly begin to summarize all of the feelings I have today? I know that I'll be back in a week to truly meet all of my requirements, but today really feels like the end.

I guess I am a little glad, though, that today wasn't the end. It was Fitness Friday (consequently, that is why I am sitting here with blue and pink hair...more on that later) and so the end of the day was really rushed and kind of crazy, throwing backpacks around and hurrying everyone out the door. So I didn't really get to say goodbye to any of the kids or Jennie or Aryn...and I didn't have to because I'll be back next week. I am thankful for that now, looking back on it. I would have been really disappointed if my final memories of all of my children were of them sprinting out the classroom door with their backpacks half open. Next week I will be able to give them a proper goodbye, and so for that reason I am glad we'll be back. (Let me be more clear -- that is the only reason I am glad we'll be back.)

I don't know if I'll even blog next Thursday or Friday. I might, if something really extraordinary happens, but for all intents and purposes, this is it. I've reached the finish line in this race that I started without a game plan, took the long way around a couple times too many, and ended up right back where I started...but a million times happier and more proud of myself.

Fitness Friday was really fun. Us student teachers prepared a little dance called "Ice Cream and Cake," and we all dressed up like different flavors of ice cream. I found this glitter spray-in hair color at Walmart last night and bought it for us all to use, so we had multicolored hair to match our colorful clothes. I was cotton candy ice cream, and I dressed all in blue -- Christina even brought me a tutu that I wore for the dance. It was so fun, because usually we're all really reserved and professional, but today we got up in front of everybody and danced like fools in our crazy hair. I loved it. Everyone was so shocked at how "into it" we got. I don't think they were expecting us to go all out like we did. (The bathroom that we got ready in still smelled like hairspray an hour later...we used A LOT of it.) It was fun to just be silly for once and not care how I looked. Teachers need to do stuff like this, because the kids love it and it really gets them excited for whatever is going on. Before this semester I would never have dreamed that I would be doing a dance in front of 400 people with a blue and pink side ponytail and a tutu...and yet here we are.

I did not cry today. I think it was because I knew it wasn't truly the end. I can't speak for next Friday yet, but I think that's when the waterworks might start. Today Aryn signed my last weekly evaluation. It's weird -- I have all of my paperwork done. There are no more lessons to write or evaluate, no more reflections to do, no more forms to fill out or evaluations to get signed...it's all done. My binder is finished. My projects are done. I still can't really fathom what it is going to be like to not be an early childhood undergraduate student anymore. It's been my life for the last 4 years. Wow. 4 years. It sounds like such a long time, and yet it feels like yesterday I walked into my little "freshman experience" class with no idea what I was getting myself into. I don't know if I'm ready for it to be over. I never really, seriously thought about what it would be like to be finished. I've been saying how ready I am to be done, and now I'm approaching the end of my marathon and I'm actually surprised to see the finish line. It's so weird how things happen like that -- you're so, so, SO ready to be done with something, and then bam when it hits you, you're a weepy, sobby, scared little mess who just wants to have a little more time to figure it all out. Is that what I am right now? I don't know. I think I might just be rambling because I don't want to be done with this entry yet. I am not ready to say goodbye to my little blog that's carried me through this semester.

I don't know what I'm going to do with this blog now. I think I want to keep it going, in some way. It has been good for me; it's given me an outlet for my excitements and frustrations. It's let me talk things out and organize my thoughts. It has truly made me a better teacher this semester, and I don't think I'm ready to let it go. I think I'll keep it alive, somehow. I'll never truly be done learning, especially my first few years teaching. Maybe it won't be every day, but it will be here if I need it.

One final thing I realized today: in the carpool home yesterday a couple of the girls were talking about how they're worried that when it comes time for them to get a job, they're going to not enjoy teaching. They're worried that they've put all this time into it and that they're going to be bad at it or it's going to burn them out, or that they just won't like it as much as they thought they would. I was surprised because that is exactly how I felt at the beginning of this semester, and now it's completely changed. I didn't know that other people thought this way. And I'm kind of sad for them, because this semester did change my mind about wanting to be a teacher...but it made me want to do it more, not the opposite! I was ready to find a completely different career path when I started this semester (you know, Days 2, 3, 4...). I made that clear to Aryn. I told her I didn't think I wanted to teach anymore and I was a little scared and unsure about what I wanted to do with my life.

And then I changed. She changed me, and these kids changed me, and this school changed me. I want to do it now. I really, really do. I am still going to go for my PhD and probably end up teaching at a university somewhere. I know that I won't be in an elementary classroom forever. But I know that when I am teaching children, it won't just be to build up my credibility in the future, or to make money while I'm trying to decide where to apply for school, or any of those things I thought it was going to be just 4 short months ago. It is going to be because I want to, and because I am good at it. I am a good teacher. I'm not going to ask myself if I can  learn to teach anymore -- I KNOW I can. I have, and I will continue to. I will be able to do this. I know I will because I have already done it. I am capable. I am not going to be scared and tear myself down anymore. I am not going to be so hard on myself. I am going to try and see my strengths -- the ones that others see but I (deliberately) look past because sometimes I'm more comfortable seeing my bad qualities instead of my great ones. But I can't do that anymore, because everyone who has supported me through this semester (including me, now) knows this to be true: I am smart, I am prepared, and I am passionate. I am no longer the scared, "passion-less" girl I was on January 14, 2013. I am a teacher. Really, truly, honestly.

Day 69 - April 25, 2013

Tomorrow is Friday. It doesn't feel real. I know we have to come back next Thursday and Friday to make up for our snow days, but it still doesn't feel like I'm almost done. I am already getting nostalgic (and a little weepy) thinking about not being with these kids anymore, in this school anymore, with Aryn anymore...

I don't think it's quite hit me yet. And it won't hit me until next week when I really, truly have to say goodbye. A few weeks ago I was SO ready. Now I am not ready...not even a little bit. This week has made it so much harder for me to think about saying goodbye. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I'm teaching all 26 of them by myself (since Aryn is swimming from 11:45 to 1:30 and Jennie has lunch duty until about 1:15) every day and I'm not stressing out about writing down detailed accounts of how they like my lessons and what I think I should improve and whether or not they're learning the names of the oceans...I'm just teaching. I'm seeing what works and what doesn't, and I'm documenting it (mostly here), but I'm not spending hours upon hours sitting with my head in a notebook handwriting an assessment for whether so-and-so used proper capitalization in her journal entry about what pirates eat. I'm just teaching.

Today was amazing. I know that the past few days have been stressful and I feel like I'm just a yelling, screaming, punishing monster...but not today. Today was different. I don't know what it was, but it was perfect. I did the "talk quietly to draw them in" thing and it worked the very first time. I had them all write their numbers 1-100, and I was expecting a lot of moaning and complaining and refusal to do it. But there was none. I had them all sit and listen while I clearly explained my expectations, I handed them their papers, and they did it. They sat there -- 25 of them today -- and wrote. They didn't talk. They didn't scream my name every 5 seconds to ask me "whyyyy do we have to wriiiiteeee so muuuuuuchhhhh....?" They really wanted to do it, and do it right. They raised their hands to ask for help writing a number. They weren't falling out of their chairs or getting up to sharpen their pencil every minute or whining about how their hands hurt (and trust me, that's what I usually get when it's time for handwriting). They just DID IT. One boy was making some noises while he was writing -- just weird squeaking noises with his mouth that I think he may have been doing subconsciously, and rather than everyone in the room yelling "BE QUIET!!!!" the other children at his table said "Can you please stop? I'm trying to concentrate." No joke. Exactly that phrasing. I don't know if we accidentally put sedatives in their spinach at lunch, but it was a miniature miracle for me. I took a video to show Aryn when she got back because I just could not believe how quiet they were. 20 of them finished their numbers in about 20 minutes. The other 5 I will help finish tomorrow.

This "thumbs-up behavior," as I've grown accustomed to calling it, lasted pretty much all afternoon. They did a good job when they went next door for Math, and Ms. Margie's group did excellent for me in Reading, too. I don't know what the deal was with today, but it was good. I liked it. I want it to stay that way. I am hopeful that it will, and that tomorrow will be just as wonderful as today was. We all need these days, the ones that motivate us and validate what we're doing, and send us home smiling and excited for what tomorrow will bring. I have had more than enough days that do the opposite...I'm so thankful to have some that end up like this. I love to leave school happy. I have faith that tomorrow will be good.

Day 68 - April 24, 2013

Today was the same as yesterday, in the fact that I felt like a complete monster who was just so grumpy and yell-y the entire time! I don't know why this week is going so poorly, but it is. Maybe it's because I wasn't expecting it (and kindergarten is always the opposite of what I expect, I've found). I tried really, really hard to be positive, but they are just in a mood or something where sassing off and talking back is what's going on right now. It's not just me -- the kids are driving Aryn crazy, they're driving Jennie crazy...the other grades are a little crazy, too. Is it the weather? Is there a full moon or something? I just hope it improves tomorrow.

Today I had my final meeting with Aryn and my university supervisor. It went really well! I graded myself too harshly (as always) but I did give myself some 4s this time, which I am proud of! I never do that, so it shows that I really think I've improved this semester. I loved listening to Aryn talk about what she's seen in me that has improved and where I can still make things better. I'm so thankful that she is so honest are realistic, but still nice. I can trust her to seriously tell me when something just is absolutely terrible, but also to give me help to make it better. I know some people's cooperating teachers just give them all 4s and don't provide suggestions for improvement, but Aryn has really helped me to see where I'm lacking (or confirming what I already see as my weaknesses) and given me real, GREAT tips for fixing it -- and the opportunities to fix these things. I need that. We all need that. I'm just lucky enough that I get that.

The other half of that is, she also helps me to see things that I don't see at all (usually these are my strengths, since I tend to miss those and focus on the weaknesses). I get really happy and kind of smiley and giggly (on the inside) when she tells me I did a good job with something. It sounds so lame typing that out, but it's really how I feel -- she's an experienced expert in my eyes and so if she says I did something well, I feel really proud of myself. :)

The last thing I realized today is that the carpool this semester, while also saving me a lot of gas money and miles on my car (not to mention an extra hour of sleep on weeks I don't have to drive) has given me the chance to get a glimpse into other grades and see what is going on in there. I've never taught in a 3rd grade class, but I sort of know what is going on in there thanks to the 2 girls who are student teaching there now. Talking on the way to and from school helps us all see common issues, share exciting or funny stories, or just rant when we need to. I didn't think I would enjoy it this much, but looking back on it, it has been a really good experience. All teachers need time to get together outside of school and talk like this. With my co-workers we do it over dinner or on a night out. It's just really important (I think) to spend time together outside of the common place you all share daily. I've been terrible at making friends since as long as I can remember, but they're really important -- especially "teacher friends." I hope that wherever I end up I can find a group of people to share my experience with just like I have this semester.

And on that happy note, I am going to bed. At 9:30. I can't wait until I can stay up a little later and not feel like a disaster the next morning. 1 more week!

Day 67 - April 23, 2013

Today I taught a lot! I guess I shouldn't have expected to just sit back and relax this week. :) Aryn had to go sub in 5th grade this morning so I taught all morning and then half of the afternoon while she was at swimming again. It was almost like being back in my ICS weeks -- having TOTAL control of the classroom. It was kind of a hard day, though, because I just really felt like the children were super loud and nothing I said or did could calm them down.

Christina (Margie's student teacher and my classmate since Block I) made a good point today during our final supervisor's meeting -- she said she feels like these days since she's not teaching anything, the only time she has to address the whole group is to "yell at them." I kind of agree: we're not (or most of us are not, anyway) teaching anything at all this week, so there's a lot of sitting and watching like we're back in Week 1 again. If we do have to get the whole group's attention, it's because they're being too loud or something is wrong or whatever. I'm going to consciously try to make most of my interactions positive. I should be doing this anyway, but it's hard right now. Especially since I'm back in charge, I have to be more "grrr" with them at times. I do feel, though, that when I am doing opening or reading, I keep it pretty calm and sweet. I noticed a few weeks ago that when Aryn teaches the whole class, she lowers her voice to almost a whisper and keeps their attention by drawing them in. I tried that this week and BAM -- it's like magic!

Tomorrow they have Music at a super weird time (like 1:15 or something crazy) so it's going to mess up our schedule again. I've been taking my computer to school and working on my final projects during my breaks (when they're in Music or P.E. , or even on my lunch break sometimes), so tomorrow I'll probably do that at our weird Music time. I'm almost done...I can see the finish line! I have ONE more project to do (a one-page paper for my night class) and I think I can do that over the rest of this week. This race (more like a marathon... this semester took forever) is almost over! I am almost a certified teacher!

Day 66 - April 22, 2013

I sit here today again not quite sure what to write about. Today was another fairly uneventful day. Aryn is leaving at 11:45 every day this week to do 2nd Grade Swim, so I'm once again in charge of handwriting/journaling, teaching Ms. Margie's class, and afternoon rotations. I guess I only just thought I was done...whew. I do feel like I did a lot of running around today and I definitely had to raise my voice a lot more than normally. The kids were a little (okay, a lot) wound up today -- in all grades. Hopefully it will be a little calmer tomorrow. I hate days where I feel like I just yelled and got onto them all day long! Boo.

Yesterday I finished my presentation for Wednesday, and so now I'm working on my presentation due Sunday. Once I've finished with these 2 I only have a final paper for my night class and then I'm completely finished for the semester! It is still so insane to me that my undergraduate career is coming to a close. In 11 days I will be graduating. I will be done with this chapter of my education.

Oh! I completely forgot that I haven't written an update since I took that test on Saturday. Well, I thought it went okay. There were 3 essay questions, so of course I did them first because that's my method. (It definitely works, by the way.) I thought the essays were easy because they were fairly general and I could choose what grade level to write about for each one -- of course, I chose kindergarten. It is the grade I have the most experience/expertise in now (as much "expertise" as I can actually have at this point). It was the multiple choice that kind of threw me. The OPTE is PK-8, so there were a TON of questions about older grades. I think it was really unfairly skewed...I saw just a couple of questions about Pre-K and kindergarten, hardly any about 1st/2nd, quite a few about 3rd, and then about a million about 4th-8th grades. I of course have not spent the last four years of my life learning what 14-year-olds are supposed to be learning about or what works best for them, so I just had to use my knowledge of younger children and try to logically translate it up. For a few of them, I also just thought back to how I was 8 years ago when I was an 8th grader and tried to figure out the answer that way. It was rough. I think I did well enough, but it still didn't seem very fair.

Other than that, I don't have anything to talk about tonight. Week of the Young Child is over as of Saturday, and I'm very relieved. I got a ton of hours last week (well, a "ton" compared to how many I've been getting every other week this semester, which is generally about 7) which is going to be nice, but I'm truly still exhausted from it all. I think I may just go to sleep right now.

Day 65 - April 19, 2013

I can't believe we only have one week left. It feels unreal. My semesters usually have me going from excitement (beginning) to settling into a routine (beginning-middle) to restlessness (middle) to desperation and burnout (middle-late) to a belief that it is never going to be over and then surprise when I realize I'm almost done (end). The same is true -- maybe even more true than ever -- this semester. Right now I feel like I'm never going to leave this school. And it's not because I've reverted to the desperate "Oh my god let it be over get me out of here" mentality that hit me right after Spring Break, but it's because I don't want to leave. I don't want to say goodbye. I feel like I belong at this school, and with these kids, and with Aryn as my mentor, and I truly am not ready for it to be over.

Over the last week, I've been feeling a little bit down about all of this. For a while (as I'm sure you remember if you've been reading this blog all semester) I was so frustrated with my class and I just wanted to be done with this for good. I didn't want to have anything to do with them (I feel terrible about that now) and I was so over it all. But now I wish I could take it all back. I don't want to leave. I've been feeling such a tremendous amount of love for these kids -- ALL of these kids -- this week. Maybe it's because I was out of the classroom for two mornings and it was so dreadfully boring that I missed them and they missed me and when I got back we hugged and were happy. But regardless of why I feel this way, I do. I miss them. I have 7 more days with them and I already miss them.

Today Aryn left at lunch and so I had "control" of the classroom (Jennie was there of course, lifesaver) in the afternoon. It went pretty well. Nap time was rough because the weather was finally nice and I could just tell they wanted to go outside and run. So run we did. I am so ready for this crazy weather to get a hold of itself and be Spring already. For the love of God, it's April 19th. It should not be freezing cold (literally). Next week is supposed to be a little bit nicer and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Tomorrow morning I'm taking my final teaching test. I am not too worried. I think that after 4 years if I don't know this stuff by now then I shouldn't be doing this at all, probably. It is kind of coincidental, though (annoyingly coincidental) that I have to do this right after ranting about standardized testing yesterday.

This next week is going to be pretty emotional; I can already tell. Let me just say right now: I don't cry. If I get punched in the face I probably would, and if I get really really scared I do (like when Mike came into the apartment when I wasn't expecting him and I thought I was about to get murdered) but for the most part it's not something I do when I'm "emotional." But I'm going to cry for these kids. I am definitely, definitely going to cry.

Day 64 - April 18, 2013

This blog is going to be pretty emotionally-charged. I can already tell. I am MAD today. Really, really angry. If I gave my blog posts titles (which I don't because I like to keep track of my number of days easily and it's helpful for referencing a specific day's events), today's would be "STOP TESTING." Today was the last day of testing for all of the grades, except for those children who need to make up a test tomorrow. I proctored the same 4th grade class, except this time they were doing Part II of the reading test instead of a math test. It went by much more quickly, because there were only 30-some questions rather than 60. Anyway, back to my point. As I finished up this morning and was walking to the workroom, I saw that one of the 3rd grade teachers had a sign on her door that said STOP TESTING (one word on the top line, one on the bottom). All of the teachers had similar signs to inform people in the hallways to be quiet, but this one in particular grabbed my attention, because it wasn't punctuated, so it really made it look like a protest sign more than anything. I know it wasn't meant to be that way, but I definitely agree with the sentiment. Beyond the fact that it looked like a protest sign, it mirrored my thoughts the entire time I was proctoring. "Stop testing. Please stop testing." It sounds like I wanted them to rush through and just get it over with. That's not it. I just wanted them to be done. For their sake, and (selfishly) for my own. This week was draining, and I wasn't even testing. I'm also not 9 years old. It's just too much.

Our kids were stressed out. They were so over it by the end of today. And then there were all these signs all over the 3rd-5th grade hallways that said things like "When the tests are done we can have some FUN!" (They sounded better than that but the point is they were rhyming and they all said basically the same thing). What kind of message are we sending when we say "Okay, the tests are over, now let's have fun!"? I know that I was bored to death proctoring the test, but I wouldn't have shown it to the kids. If I were a child and I had a bunch of adults basically sitting around staring at me while I took a test, knowing that when I finished we would get to "have fun" for the first time in forever, why would I want to prolong that any more? The VERY LAST question on the test today was a writing one. Yeah, right. Like a bunch of 4th graders who just sat through a 2-hour math test and then a 2-day reading test are going to want to sit down and write an essay. That is exactly why when I take any test (and mind you, I am a college senior now -- haven't changed my tactics) I flip right to the end to see if there is a long-answer section and I do that first. Usually they're at the end so I always check. Then I do short-answer. Then I do multiple choice. It's because after I answer 60-some multiple choice problems, I am so over it that anything I write is going to be just awful. I have to do it first, because writing is where you can really show what you know. You can guess on multiple-choice questions if you have absolutely no idea, which takes the pressure off. But you can't guess on an essay. Now, I've done my fair share of BS-ing my way through writing prompts I wasn't fully prepared for (cough, AP Senior English...) and I still do okay because I am a pretty strong writer. But that's just something I've developed over time -- and it definitely wasn't there when I was 9. Too many questions = brain shutdown. Those kids probably wrote a single paragraph over their prompt, when there was space for at least 3. But they were done. I was done. It was all just stupid at that point.

Another thing I hate about testing (as a monitor) is how you can't help the kids. One girl, when she finally got to the essay a million and a half questions later, had no idea what it was asking her. I sort of guessed as much when I saw the look on her face after she read through it, and I knew it for sure when she raised her hand and straight-up told me "I don't understand this question." (It was a dead giveaway. I'm not as intuitive as I pretend to be.) I told her, "Read the directions and do your best." She looked at me hopelessly and said "But I don't get it. I don't know what it wants me to do." I just said "I'm so sorry, I can't help you." I threw in that "so" before my sorry so maybe she would understand how much I really wanted to help her. As teachers we kind of toss around "I'm sorry" and use it in situations when we're really not that sorry. ("So-and-so said I was a baby!" "I'm sorry." "I tore my paper while I was erasing it!!" "I'm sorry." "I don't like this snack today!!!" "I'm sorry.") So I threw in the "so," because I really was SO SORRY. I wanted to help her understand. I don't get why I couldn't. What good does it do for a child to answer a question she doesn't fully comprehend? She could have had the most amazing essay in the world, and she could know everything about whatever the subject of the essay was supposed to be (I didn't actually read the prompt, but now I kind of wish I had) but she just didn't get the question. And I couldn't help her. I felt absolutely horrible watching her struggle. My instincts are to help. I don't see why it matters.

Testing is stupid. It is so stupid. I'm not just saying that because I had to sit at the back of a (freezing cold) classroom for hours this week. I'm not just saying it because it was inconvenient for all of us to switch around classrooms and leave teachers (Aryn) in a classroom (alone) with 26 (nut bag) kids. I'm not even saying it because the 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders didn't want to take the tests and were bored taking the tests or were even stressed out taking the tests. Test anxiety is a scary thing for kids, yes...but that's not why I think testing is stupid. I think it's stupid because it takes the most minute of facts and makes kids demonstrate their knowledge 60 times in a row. It's stupid because there are 5 problems that all look at the exact same thing. It's stupid because we teach them for years that what they know cannot be measured on a test. Tests can be wrong. Even in kindergarten, on that writing test we had to give them, they were wrong. One of our greatest writers floundered. Some of our weakest writers had a rare stroke of genius (good for them...but still not reflective of daily work). Tests don't show what we think they do, or want them to, or expect them to. Testing is stupid. It's stupid because it's just really, really, really stupid. I can't explain it better than that. I wish I could. I wish everyone could understand how meaningless this whole week was for all of us. And now tomorrow we get to "have fun" because school isn't fun until your tests are finished. How nice. How encouraging. Honestly...how stupid can we be?

Day 63 - April 17, 2013

It's raining, it's pouring! The weather was super weird today. It was a little chilly when I left this morning (7am) and by the time I got to school it had warmed up pretty well. We didn't get to go outside, though, because it was too wet! :( The playground was like a lake, which was annoying. By the time the final bell rang, it was very warm, and very windy. It felt like perfect tornado weather, but the sky was gray and not green, so I wasn't too worried. During class tonight, it rained for literally 30 seconds -- a few big drops hit the window and I got excited...and then no more. It just started pouring down about 15 minutes ago, and there's a ton of lightning and thunder.

All of that has absolutely nothing to do with teaching. I just really felt like reporting the weather. Thanks for listening.

As far as teaching goes, today was awesome! I had my last supervisor evaluation today, and it went really, really well! I taught probably the best -- or at least one of the best -- Reading lessons I've taught all semester. All 26 kids were here today and the Smart Board was acting up, so I was thinking "Ohhhhh nooooo..." but the technology played nice with me today and the kids were listening (as much as 26 kindergarteners ever will) and were engaged and were demonstrating higher-order thinking skills. I was ecstatic, and it was a great note to finish on. Tomorrow I just teach Reading in the afternoon, since I have testing in the morning. I guess that means that the lesson I did today with my kids was the last one I'll ever do with them, since I do Margie's class in the afternoon and I don't do Reading on Fridays. WOW. This is just now hitting me. I will never teach my class a lesson again.

And now I'm sad.

Day 62 - April 16, 2013

It kind of felt like Wednesday all day today, so it's pretty disappointing each time I realize it's Tuesday (which is like once an hour). Still, this week is almost halfway over! I am looking forward to tomorrow because it's my last supervisor evaluation and I think it's going to be a good one. Since it's just Reading this week, I can focus a lot more on what I'm going to do to make it better each day. I just know it's going to be good. I love using the Smart Board...I hope that wherever I end up has Smart-Board equipped classrooms. If they don't, well then I just may need to write a grant to get some!

Proctoring the tests this morning was BORING. I was in a 4th grade classroom and my only job was to pass out the test booklets (which took forever because I had absolutely no idea what any of their names were) and walk around the room picking up the pencils they kept dropping on the floor. Other than that I read my book -- yes, for pleasure! I took a 19th-century literature class last spring and we read a play out of a book of 4 plays...which leaves 3 unread! I reread the one we did in class because I really enjoyed it ("No Exit" by Jean Paul Sartre) and then read another and part of a third. I think I'll finish them on Thursday when I proctor again. The test took about as long as I thought it would (I was in there from 9:00 until 11:45) but it went by quicker than I expected. It was math, so I think they finished a little faster than they will when it is time for reading.

From my own personal experience and my experiences as a teacher, reading tests take 150 years because you have so many passages to read and then you have to go back through the passages to find the answers. (On a similar train of thought, I'd just about had it with reading tests by the time I got to the ACT, and so instead of reading the whole passage and then answering the questions I would just read the questions and then search for them in the readings. I probably would have done better had I done it the way I was taught in school...and eventually I did, because I did it right the 3rd time and improved my overall score by 3 points. But it was still super annoying and took way longer.)

I missed the entire morning in kindergarten today, and boy did I miss it! I was only in Ms. Aryn's class for 3 hours today instead of the usual 7 and I did not like it at all! The kids gave me lots of hugs when I got back, and kept saying "WE MISSED YOU!!!!!!" I felt the exact same way. Tomorrow I get them all day and then Thursday I'm back in 4th grade, where there are no cute little orange and blue chairs, no carpet, and no little voices telling me how awesome I am. It also doesn't help that the teachers had to take down basically everything from their walls so as not to give the kids help on their tests, so the rooms are so bland and the walls are blank. Very boring to sit in. Very solitary confinement-esque. Sad.

Day 61 - April 15, 2013

It's testing week, testing week, testing week! I have never been less excited for a week this semester yet. It's just throwing everything off. Our schedule is mixed up, I'm out of the classroom half the week...it's just weird. I start proctoring tomorrow morning and I don't have anything to do. I don't have any books to read for school (I did all my readings the first weekend of class), I don't have any books to read for pleasure (who has time for that right now?), and I can't take my computer to work on my projects. Maybe I can find something to do tomorrow morning before I head in.

This week is Week of the Young Child, and consequently I am already exhausted. I am glad to be getting some extra hours at work this week, but here it is only Monday and I'm already so tired. I cannot wait for this weekend to be over. I take the OPTE (final teaching test) on Saturday afternoon, and then I have to go to work until about 4:30 and then I'm home free! I am going to put together my teaching notebook this weekend and finish my projects over the rest of the week. I really want to get everything done this week. I wanted to do it this weekend but I was so busy...and so tired. I think that all of the stress is catching up to me...but it's just draining my energy rather than panicking me. I want to be done, and yet I don't. Is that weird? I'm going to miss it, but I'm very ready for it to end.

I honestly don't know what else to talk about tonight. Today was pretty relaxed at school. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I didn't have any grand revelations like I usually do. There were no big epiphanies about teaching coming to me today. I don't know. I just don't know.

I think I'll go to bed now. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.

Day 60 - April 12, 2013

12 weeks down, 2 to go. We're 12/14 finished. We are 6/7 finished. I wish I knew what 6/7 was as a percentage right off the top of my head, because it seems like it is a really high percentage. (You might be thinking, "Megan...you are clearly sitting at a computer. Computers have calculators. Just figure it out really quickly." And to that I say "Excuse you...I do not think you realize how tired I am right now. Don't tell me what to do!" And now you're mad because I yelled at you, and now we aren't talking and you never want to read this blog again. And I feel bad because I'm just tired, and I don't want to pull up the calculator, and it's not your fault. So I'm sorry.)

Today was another great day! I had Aryn do my last evaluation because I needed it done by the end of next week and we're not entirely sure how often we are going to be in the same room next week. I got the testing schedule and I'm actually only on there twice -- Tuesday morning and Thursday morning. I'm proctoring a 4th grade test both days. I hope it goes well. I'm mostly worried for the kids themselves...Aryn's daughter is a 4th grader and she was telling my today how nervous she is and how she hates taking tests. I know it must be hard. So much pressure at 8, 9, 10 years old. :(

It's finally starting to hit me that we only have two weeks left. I'm getting back into the thought process of "I am never going to see these people again!" (including my fellow student teachers). It's getting me sad again. I am going to need to take lots of pictures over the next few weeks! This week I really feel like I've connected with the kids more. I'm not so stressed out about classroom management this week, and so I'm actually doing better with it! Funny how that works, isn't it?

I have a lot of homework to do this weekend. I want to get a lot done so I don't have to worry about it anymore. I have 2 projects and 2 papers to write. Very doable. I've done more in a weekend, for sure. I can't believe the semester is winding down. It dragged for so long and now it's flying. I don't know what I'm going to do when it's over! I am taking a Maymester statistics class, and it's MTW from about 11:30 to 4:00 for three weeks. It sounds like a lot, but that's not even close to how much I'm in the field now! I am really going to be so bored when I'm not at school anymore, I think. I'm just so used to getting up early, going to school, going to work, doing homework...I'm not used to free time. What am I going to do with it?! I'm sure I'll enjoy it...it'll just be weird.

Alright, I caved. It's 86%. Can we be friends again?

Day 59 - April 11, 2013

Wow, wow, WOW. Tomorrow is Friday! I am officially (as of 2:00pm today) done leading Rotations and I am officially a Reading-only teacher from here until the end! I can't believe that tomorrow is Day 60...of 70. Wow. Just wow.

Reading went really well today. Today was the last day in our "Animals" theme, so we talked about the different kinds of animals we know, how they're alike/different, etc. Aryn has this book on the largest and smallest and fastest and slowest animals (etc., etc.) in the world, and so we read that together. Nonfiction books for younger kids are so fun, because they are written in an awe-inspiring way. They include the most interesting facts and the language they use is for kids. When you get into older grades...this is gone. This was actually a big topic of discussion during the staff meeting this week because the school librarian and upper-elementary teachers are unsure of how to get kids reading nonfiction. I can't say I blame them -- nonfiction books can get really boring, especially if you're not particularly interested in the topic. I understand why teachers feel like it's so hard to get kids to read nonfiction. The interest has to be there and they're harder to comprehend. The love needs to be instilled in kindergarten...which is what Aryn is (and now I am) attempting to do here.

Another thing Aryn and I talked about today was writing. She went to a workshop last night and was told that in Common Core, kindergarteners are supposed to be writing paragraphs. Paragraphs! That is so crazy to me...Aryn and I get so excited when a child writes a full sentence because they are so proud of themselves and it is a real accomplishment for them. Aryn told me that after the workshop she felt kind of incompetent because all the other teachers were talking like their kids can totally write paragraphs and they commended her for her honesty about how our kids do a sentence, maybe two. So she made a change! This week instead of just leaving the journal prompts at "An animal I like is..." she added "and why" to the end. So the kids had to write at least two sentences! Next week she's planning to expand it further and make it a two-day project, so we can get 4 or 5 sentences about a single thought...boom, paragraph. It's new, and it will take tons of practice before they can do it on their own, but it's a start. She gave me a lot of great resources from the workshop last night (okay, she showed them to me and then I photocopied them...but she said I could!!) and I'm excited to use them one day. Writing is hard. It is SO hard.

One of the most interesting resources was a journal article about whether it's more important to push actual handwriting (pencil and paper...ball/stick, cursive, Denelian, whatever) or /"digital handwriting" (typing). There are pros to each. There are cons for both. There is just so much to teach these days, I can't even begin to know where to start! I read the whole article and it mostly focused on a balance of the two and a connection between them. This may sound crazy, but the fact that a lot of teachers are stressing out about how to fit Core into their curriculum and make it work is actually making me more excited about it. I know I can do this. I can make it go together. I am thankful that I am coming into teaching right at the introduction of these new standards, because I don't have to change something I've been doing for years...I can start off with it and work on improving it rather than trying to squeeze it into something I already know. We are lucky to get into teaching right now as the changes are occurring. The timing was just right for us, I guess.

Day 58 - April 10, 2013

Today, again, seemed like it went by very quickly and that I barely taught at all! Reading is my main focus right now and it's actually kind of nice because I can put more effort into it than I did the last few weeks. I feel like I'm in the zone right now when it comes to reading, actually.

Today I also found out that next week I'll be proctoring tests ALL WEEK. The principal came in and told Aryn that both Jennie and I would be pulled to proctor and so she'll be alone in the room. This kind of sucks, because Aryn had planned some really cool rotations for next week...but they needed to be teacher-led and so that's kind of out the window now. The principal just came up with this new rule last week that one day a week for the next five weeks is a "no copy" day. That means that the teachers can't assign anything to the kids that involves using copied things...worksheets, flash cards, etc. I'm not sure how this is going to play out in the upper grades. In kindergarten, we only use copied things for rotations, and since rotations are all week we're just going to cut out copied items for the next five weeks altogether. Aryn really isn't that concerned -- and I am not either -- but I have a feeling like this is going to change up a lot of things in the older grades.

Back to my point, which is that we can't do these cool teacher-led rotations next week (no teachers) and we can't do the independent worksheets that the kids do in rotations sometimes (no copies allowed), so the kids will be playing a lot of familiar games and making words out of magnetic letters. I think it will be fine, but I'm a little disappointed that we can't introduce the new games to them yet.

Another interesting development during testing week is that on Wednesday morning I have my final supervisor observation...which means I can't be a test proctor. This means that they're going to pull Aryn to proctor and I'll be leading the classroom in the morning and possibly afternoon, too. I'm kind of looking forward to doing opening again, since I just said that I wanted to try it again using what I've seen Aryn do now! I am really interested to see how this school handles testing. Next week will be an interesting one, for sure.

I can't believe this week is 1/2 over! Tomorrow I do rotations for the last time (once in the morning and once in the afternoon) and then it's only Reading from here on out! Wow. This is unbelievable. I really am so baffled by how close we are. Graduation is in 24 days...

Day 57 - April 9, 2013

It feels like Spring today! (I don't think it's going to last for long...the cold front is supposed to come in tonight.) It was so nice to go outside for BOTH recesses and let the kids run and play and exert some of their never-ending energy. I wish that it would stay this way, because it's just so wonderful. I wish Oklahoma would just pick a season and stick to it! ...preferably Spring, please.

Today felt kind of uneventful. Compared to last week and the week before, I am sitting a lot these days! I get to watch opening and handwriting...I get to help with journaling. It's strange. Nice, definitely. But also strange. It's only going to get stranger, I know, because in two weeks I'll just be watching all of this! AHH!! I only have the rest of this week and next week as far as teaching goes. It's so weird how this is all winding down so quickly. This semester feels like the longest one of my life, and yet also strangely short. It's hard to explain. I think you just have to be a part of it to know.

Wow. 13 days. (15 with the make-up snow days). This is insane. I honestly cannot think of anything else to write about tonight because I am so dumbfounded at how few days we have left. 15 days and we are done. 15 days and I am officially (well, okay...almost officially) a college graduate. The last week of class is going to fly, I feel like. It's only 3 days and it's all wrap-up and discussion about the semester. It's going to go quickly, just like these last 15 days are going to go quickly. I just know that they are!

I got trained in test proctoring this morning. I am not looking forward to it, really, but on some level I kind of am. I just want to see how upper-level elementary teachers handle testing, and how the children react to it. I saw last week how my little guys handled stress and test anxiety, and I am curious to see how it goes in the older grades. Luckily I was also told I can bring a book or something to study (I'm sure it will end up being research articles for my final presentation in my graduate class), rather than just having to sit and stare at all of the children for hours upon hours. I know that in some field sites they are absolutely not allowed to bring anything to read or do, and I feel like it must be A) boring for the teachers, and B) stressful for the kids because every time they look up there is a teacher that they may or may not know just staring at them because s/he isn't allowed to do anything else. Whew! Testing is all next week and I'm getting pulled from my kindergarteners to do it, so we'll see how it goes. I'm sure that by the end of it I'll be aching to get back into my room with my kiddos. But it will be an interesting experience for sure! And now I can officially say that I am testing trained and testing experienced! I guess that is something to brag about...? Next week will tell for sure.

Day 56 - April 8, 2013

Today was a great day! It was so bizarre to sit back and watch opening rather than lead it (considering I've been leading it for, oh, 11 weeks now). It's really interesting to see how Aryn does it and compare it to how I do it (did it). I watched her do it for the first week of school and then I started doing it during Week 2 and haven't stopped until now - Week 13! I was only just beginning to understand what the heck I was doing and kind of figured out what worked on my own over the last 3 months. Now I get to watch Aryn do it again (a seasoned expert) and I see the little things she does that I would add if I were to do it again. I feel like it would have been beneficial for her to do it at like Week 7 or 8 and then for me to do it again and add in all of these little things that she does so naturally that I never even thought of! I guess it just comes with time. If I end up in a kindergarten classroom one day, I'll be able to make these changes then and see how it works for me.

I still have Reading and Rotations this week, so I'm not just sitting around doing nothing. I can tell that Aryn is so excited to have some control back, though. She is such a great teacher and she really shines when she's in front of the class. I think she got bored having to sit at her desk all day while I took over! :)

Today the thing I've been thinking about a lot is how important it is for parents to tell teachers when things happen in a child's life outside of school. This stems more from work today than school, but it applies to both. It can be very hard to explain a child's behavior when you're in the dark as to what happened to them yesterday, or over the last week, or even this morning right before school. It also can become extremely easy to explain a child's behavior when you know what's going on and can piece together how something at home can cause them to act out at school. I know that parents may make connections between occurrences and behavior problems (or maybe they don't, who knows) but if they aren't shared with the teacher then we just have to guess! (And sometimes it's impossible to guess what is going wrong; sometimes children will tell you and sometimes they won't or don't know how). There are some parents of the children in my class that call/text Aryn whenever things happen that may affect the child's behavior at school, and Aryn always shares this with me, too. It is so important, because if there is strange behavior happening, we can kind of pinpoint the source and either help the child to work through it or at the very least know what we are dealing with. Sometimes nothing out of the ordinary happens, and that's just fine. But it is so important that teachers are informed. Some parents may not realize this, and some may not want to risk oversharing personal family matters. But it is important...for the teachers, and especially for the children.

I hope that when/if I am a classroom teacher, the parents and families of my students feel comfortable enough to tell me things like this. I cannot stress how important it is, and I want to be the kind of teacher that families want to talk to and work with to help their children work through their problems. I hope to be the kind of teacher that families turn to in times of crisis looking for a little help, a little insight, a little advice. I hope to be the kind of teacher that Aryn already is.

Day 55 - April 5, 2013

Well, it's done! It's over! My unit is finished! I'm so relieved, and still a little bit in disbelief. When it was almost time to go home on Friday, Aryn said "So how does it feel to be finished?" and I had to stop for a second before I realized that I really was done. I've got 3 more weeks of teaching and I am teaching different things for all of it, but there's still such a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Next week, half of what I have been teaching all semester goes back to Aryn. The control goes back. It's going to be weird, but it's also going to be relieving.

I am just at a loss for what to say tonight. My day was so filled with craziness (for reasons other than student teaching) and I'm just exhausted. I went to the Human Sciences awards banquet tonight and got my award for Seniors of Distinction. It was so wonderful to be up there with the dean and my picture on the projector and everyone listening to the host read a little biography of my time at OSU. I still am a little overwhelmed that I've got this award, and I really am graduating in less than a month, and it's all going to be over! I don't know. I feel like I'm babbling tonight. I've got a lot going on here.

One thing I do know about today is that I was SO excited to give my kids their post-assessments. We've been singing this ocean song every day for two weeks, and I told them that if they wanted to sing the song quietly to themselves while we did the test, they could. And some of them did! It was so adorable. I didn't give them the oceans in the same order as the song, because I thought that might be cheating (since maybe they'd just memorized the order that we did them in). Well, they still did it! 15 of them got ALL FIVE oceans in the right place on the map. I was so excited! When we did it for the pre-assessment most of then got 0 right, and the best any of them did was 2/5. This time, they worst any of them did was 2/5, and that was only two of the kids. I AM ECSTATIC! I was smiling crazily while I was giving them the test and seeing how well they did. It is just so great to see something you've taught work. It worked! I did it!!

Today was amazing at school. Today was just the worst at work. I guess that balances out to a pretty normal day for me, then. I did get a really cool present for being a Senior of Significance, though -- a paperweight with my name engraved on it and a really cool clock with "Senior of Significance" engraved on it. So I guess I'm not sure how I feel about today. I suppose that since this blog is dedicated more to my student teaching experience than anything else, I'm going to call this day a win! A very nice end to a very nice week.

Day 54 - April 4, 2013

Graduation is ONE MONTH from today! ONE MONTH!!

It's so crazy to be this close to finishing my undergraduate degree. After tomorrow I only have 3 weeks of student teaching left, and one week of class...and that's it. Forever.

Of course, for me it won't be forever. I actually feel like I'm going to be in school forever, but at least this piece will be done forever. And that is exciting! I'm not even walking, I'm not really having a party or anything, but it doesn't matter. I don't need a graduation gown or presents to feel good about what I've accomplished over these last four years. I feel good just because it feels good.

Today I thought I'd discuss field trips. We took one today. I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to see Stephen Fite in concert, and he was amazing. I want to buy all of his CDs for my future classroom. His songs are fun and packed-full of learning (he follows Common Core standards and puts activity suggestions in all of his CD booklets and on his website) and he is just a really charismatic and fun person to watch on stage. I didn't want the concert to end today! It was only an hour long and I probably could have sat there for another hour. I was dancing with the kids and we were all just having FUN. It was the perfect ending to my pirate unit. I know that I just got kind of lucky in that my big culminating activity was already kind of planned for me (thanks, CPS!) and I could spend my unit building up to something that I knew was going to be fantastic. I know other people did big video projects and presentations (which I did with my 2nd graders last semester, so I've done it before) but I just got to go to a concert and have fun with my kids and then have a nice class meeting at the end of the day to recap what we did and how it tied into what we've been learning for the past two weeks. I loved it. It was perfect. The only hard part was that our picnic was rained out... :( ... but we had a little picnic in our classroom instead and the kids thought it was just "so cool" that we got to eat at our seats (like we don't do that literally every day at snack time -- I guess a Lunchable is more fun).

Today was very relaxed. I got in all of the teaching that I intended to, which was good for me (I can be flexible and make changes to my plans, but I really don't like to if I can avoid it!). I was very pleased with how today went. It was also so great to see so many parents and aunts and grandmas come to watch the show today (no grandpas but a whole lot of grandmas). The children's faces just light up when they're around their families. They want to show off their families to their friends and their friends to their families. They get so excited, and so animated, and I just love to watch it. I just love these kids. I'm getting to the point where I'm sad thinking about leaving them in a few weeks. It's so strange how last week was probably the worst week of my experience so far and I couldn't wait to just get away from them (sounds harsh but the whole point of this blog is honesty, right?)...and now here I am a week later and all I want to do is hug them forever and never leave and love them, love them, love them.

Today I also feel it is appropriate to discuss mental health. Being a teacher is exhausting. How can one person feel so many things in such a short amount of time -- or even occasionally at the same time?! How can we love them so much and yet still cringe at the sound of their little voices from across the room screaming "I'M TELLING THE TEACHER!!!!"? I hate saying that sometimes they make me so frustrated I just want to go hide...but they do. I think that it's just part of learning to teach. You love them, but sometimes that love isn't enough to override the frustrations they bring with them. I think it's normal. I feel bad, but then I calm down and look at their sweet little faces and I always feel better. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think everyone has those days, those moments, when we ask ourselves "Why am I doing this?" And then we have the rest of the moments there to remind us exactly why -- they're just amazing little things, those kids.

Day 53 - April 3, 2013

What to discuss today, what to discuss today...

There is so much running through my mind right now. Today wasn't even that eventful of a day, but I still feel like I could write a novel about what I'm thinking right now. Maybe it's because the semester is winding down and I have so much to talk about and only 17 days to do it. (17 days? Really?! Oh my gosh!) I think today, though, I'll talk about technology.

The amount of technology used in daily life today is incredible in and of itself, but the degree to which we use it in the classroom is what really blows my mind. In all of my student teaching field sites (Block II, III, and now IV) I have been in a classroom with a Smart Board. My teachers relied on it (especially last semester and this one) and used it for everything. Right now I use it for opening, math, and reading most days. I plan half of my lessons using that thing. So when it's not available to me (like today...more on that later), it's a little bit of a scramble to make do. I know in my gut that it shouldn't be like that. If I can't use a Smart Board, I should be able to do the same lessons...but from a practical standpoint I just don't see how! I asked Aryn how she did the things we do during our opening without a Smart Board, and she basically said "We didn't." The same things were taught, essentially, but they were done in completely different ways. Now I can have the kids come up, roll random number dice, write addition number sentences on the board, read them aloud, and then erase the problem all within a matter of 30 seconds. It's just harder to do that on a white board, and even harder to do it on a chalk board or chart paper, where you can't really erase things at all. I'm thankful that I have it. I like it! And I think that I'm using it appropriately. Just on days like today I wish that I had a better backup plan. I wish that we all did -- in my classroom, there is nowhere to write besides the Smart Board. There is no chalk board, no white board, no nothing! On most days I don't even notice this because I don't need anything but the Smart Board, but today I noticed.

Story Time break: Right in the smack-dab middle of my pirate lesson today (and of course this was the one I was being observed on), the Smart Board just turned itself off. My immediate thought was "Oh, shoot, the bulb went out." No, that's not true. My immediate thought was "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod" but that one only lasted for a half second. I tried to turn it back on using the remote, but it quickly became clear that it was not coming back on. So I switched the lesson to a read-aloud (I had a good pirate book ready) and we finished up our discussion and lesson without losing (too much) teaching time or getting side-tracked. I think I handled it pretty well, since the kids didn't lose their minds and stayed pretty tuned-in to the story. It turns out - we discovered later - that something had gone wrong in another room with the electricity, and so the custodian flipped the breaker for that room to try and fix it...except he hit the wrong one and got my room instead! It really would not have mattered AT ALL except for that one 30-minute block. Of course. My life. He came in and messed around with it later but we still couldn't get it to come back up. It didn't really matter at that point, and we told him to not worry about it. (We'll figure it out tomorrow. I don't even really need it tomorrow, anyway.) I wasn't too shaken up by it all, surprisingly. Usually the perfectionist in me would have panicked, but I honestly did not feel rattled -- except for that first half-second.

This brings me to my point for the day: technology is good. Technology is GREAT. But technology can come back to bite you if you rely on it too much. I think today's little lesson helped me to remember that you always have to have a backup plan. My backup plan was to read a story, which worked, but I wish I would have had a backup plan that was more similar to the original plan. Plan B should kind of follow along with Plan A, if possible. However, I did what I could with what I had. I think today also gave me a lesson in flexibility. The lesson was this: I am pretty good at being flexible! I surprised myself with how calm I was as everything was turning disastrous right in front of the person I was trying to impress! I think that one of the most important things I've learned over the last few years, both in my field sites and at work, is that you have to just CALM IT DOWN and KEEP IT GOING. Always, always, do these two things. If you keep calm and carry on (cliche but whatever) you will be okay and your kids will be none the wiser. For all my kids know, I meant for the board to turn off because I just couldn't wait to read the super-awesome pirate story!!!!

(Just so we're clear...I did not mean for the board to turn off. It was not pleasing.)

Day 52 - April 2, 2013

I am feeling much more motivated this week. It's so weird how it switches off and then right back on again. I think last week I was just worried that the kids wouldn't like my pirate activities or that they wouldn't work out or that they would overwhelm me. But now that I'm 7 days finished with my unit, I'm seeing that they're really enjoying it and it's overall successful. This is SUCH a relief. My whole student teaching experience so far has been building up to these 2 weeks, and I really needed them to go right. While last week wasn't so hot, this week is making up for it. I'm having a good time!

My favorite part about teaching this unit is seeing the children's learning extend beyond what I am doing and finding its way into other aspects of their school day. I watch children make pirate maps and pirate ships during free choice center time (when they could be doing literally anything in the classroom...but they choose to do pirate stuff!!). I hear them playing pirates on the playground during recess, and there's a lots of "Ahoy, matey!" and "Arrgggh" coming from the jungle gym. It makes me smile to see them to be so excited about what we're learning and to bring it into their own personal play. I only have a few more lessons, so I want to keep this excitement alive over the next 3 days. It is so validating to watch them take what we teach and bring it into reality on their own. That's really the goal of it all, isn't it? It is for me, and it almost makes me want to cry seeing it actually happening.

The other exciting part about today happened when we were singing my Five Oceans song. I don't think I've shared what this is yet, so I'll do that now. I have a map of the world on the Smart Board and we sing a song with hand motions to help them remember where all of the oceans are on the map. It's to the tune of Frere Jacques:

Pacific Ocean, (left hand circling over the left side of the map)
Indian Ocean (right hand circling over the right side of the map)
Atlantic, too! (both hands circling in the middle of the map)
Good for you! (pointing to the children)
Up for Arctic Ocean, (pointing/moving up to the top of the map)
Down for Southern Ocean, (pointing/moving down to the bottom of the map)
Swim, swim, swim (making swimming motions)
Swim, swim, swim (swimming motions cont'd.)

I taught them this song last Wednesday morning and I was a little concerned that they would not remember the names of the oceans, or that it would just be meaningless to them, or just that it would be a bust. I was wrong, though! They caught on to the song right away. I started the first couple of days having them listen to me sing each line and then repeating it. Then on Friday we did it together. This week I had them sing it with me and do the motions, and then I pointed to each ocean afterward and had them name it. I thought it would be hard for them to remember the words "Pacific," "Atlantic," etc. because they don't really mean anything to them beyond this song. However, they really do know them! It is so exciting, once again, to see something you've planned work.

My final thought today concerns the wonderful, wonderful world of getting free stuff!! I have heard of others going into places and getting things for free by telling the employees that they are a teacher, but for the first time today it happened to me! It's just so amazing how kind people are and how they are so willing to just give you things -- things that they take inventory on, that their company pays for -- without charging you anything, or even giving it a second thought. With the amount of their own personal money that teachers pay for things in their classroom or for their lessons (I know I'm not even a classroom teacher yet and I still buy a ton of stuff every year), every little bit helps. It makes me happy to see the kindness in others, and  the willingness to help out a little bitty teacher in need.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. My supervisor is coming and I'm excited to show her what we've been doing in the world of kindergarten over the last two weeks! It rained a lot today and that kind of made today seem a little gloomy and sleepy, so I hope tomorrow the weather is a little nicer. I'm not keeping my fingers crossed, because the weather has been so ridiculous lately. The rain hitting the window and the overcast sky had about 20 of our kids taking full-on, snoring, naps today, which was beautiful...but I'd much rather have nicer weather and a rowdier nap time. As long as this all clears up by Thursday I'll be a happy camper. I'm looking forward to lunch at the park after the concert and I don't want to get rained out.

Day 51 - April 1, 2013

I forgot to mention this on Friday (I can't believe it) but I AM DONE WITH MATH!! (I'd put 100 more exclamation points but we really do not have time for that.) I started up with Reading again today and it is such a relief. It also gives me plenty of opportunities to sing, which I like to do with kindergarteners because they think I'm awesome at it. (I am. I am awesome at it.)

Today was a great day. I did my "Pirate Food" lesson and I think they really enjoyed it. I gave them a LOT of information about what pirates ate and why they ate it (lots of crackers and bread because other food would spoil without a refrigerator). I also was so excited because one of the little boys mentioned scurvy (a discussion we had early last week) and that was a perfect segue into the discussion about oranges and why they were important to the pirates, too. I had the children taste a saltine cracker, a piece of an orange, and a little bit of cheese (pirates ate that when they could, too). We then used descriptive language to talk about the food - they used the cutest words, like "squishy" - and then graphed our favorites. I know they especially liked the part where they got to eat, but I think they also liked the discussion and learning about pirate food (did you know they sometimes ate turtles?!).

I am feeling good about this week so far. I know it's only been one day but I am optimistic! I went into the classroom today feeling happy, and I left the same way. I'm hopeful that the rest of the week will be the same way. We have our writing test on Wednesday so that is the one thing this week that could throw a wrench into my plans. It's a school-wide test that sort of falls in line with the required 5th grade one (though instead of a 5-paragraph essay like them, we'll be writing our names and a sentence). Today we took a step away from our pirate journals and practiced for the writing test. The biggest thing is that we are not allowed to help them...at ALL. We can't spell things for them. We can't help them sound out words. We can't even give them reminders about what to include. SO, we are giving them all these reminders today and tomorrow. We practiced writing a full sentence using appropriate capitalization, making the letters correctly, putting a "river of space" between each of our words, using punctuation at the end of each sentence, and sounding out each of the phonemes in a word. They also have the word wall that they can use, but we can't help them find the word they're looking for, so that's another thing they have to practice this week! Today Aryn did the practice with them and tomorrow I'll do it. They did very well. We had one little boy who had a little panic attack and just started crying and staring at his blank paper. I felt horrible...kindergarteners should not be getting test anxiety - as far as I'm concerned, they shouldn't be taking tests at all. Luckily this "test" is just like the normal journaling they do, except they have to do it all on their own. I know that some of the children are nervous about this, but we're trying to build up their confidence because they can all do it, they really can. I just hope we can keep them confident on Wednesday when it's time.

I don't remember taking tests when I was little. The first test I ever remember doing was a writing test in about 3rd or 4th grade. I don't remember taking full-on standardized tests until around middle school. Maybe I'm just blocking it out, but I really think that we are testing kids at exceedingly younger and younger ages. I know this has a lot to do with accountability and changes in government and state requirements, but it still blows my mind when I see it in action. When you learn about kindergarteners having to take writing tests, you think, "That seems a little young." But when you see a kindergartener freaking out because he's so stressed over it, you really start to see "Oh. Wow. This is bad." It's interesting how this "test" we're giving them is not any different from the journaling we do every day. But once we call it a "test"... bam. Anxiety. Tears. Disaster.

I don't know why it's like that. I don't know how even 5-year-olds understand the stigma surrounding the word "test," but they do. Maybe we need to change the words we use, since it's unlikely that we'll be able to change the situations. We will see how the practice tomorrow goes.

Day 50 - March 29, 2013

I cannot believe I am at day 50 now. 50 days sounds like so many, and yet I feel like I've been there for much longer. Regardless, I feel like it's a very important milestone. We are at the school for 70 days, and we're at 50. We are over 2/3 done. I only have 4 weeks left. FOUR WEEKS. I cannot believe that one month from now I will be finished with my student teaching.

Now that I feel like I'm almost there...I've been thinking: Will I ever come back to this school when I'm finished? Will I ever see Aryn again, or any of these children, or any of the other teachers? I wonder because over the last four years I have gone to many, many field sites. I've spent time with so many teachers, hundreds of children... (Wait...hundreds? Really? That sounds like a lot. At least 100 though. For sure 100.) and I never went back and saw them. On my last day at each of these places, I've said my goodbyes, and hugged the kids, and listened to the teachers tell me that I can visit any time, that they hope to see me again, that if I never need anything I can come back.

And I never do. I never, never do. I don't know why. I always mean to, but I never do. I always have my excuses -- I don't have time (valid), a lot of them are kind of a drive (also valid), and I am always already invested in a new classroom with another group of children (valid I suppose but also kind of sad). However, I've never been this invested in a classroom. 70 days is a lot. I will have been with them for half of their kindergarten experience. But even so, I still wonder if I will ever see them again. It's a little depressing to think about this now, and I have to remind myself that I still have 20 days with them and I should cherish them. Today was another great day, and it made me start to miss them already, even though I'm not even leaving yet. But it happens. Teachers don't get to stick around with their kids forever. Even Aryn, who gets to see kids in the same school from K through 5th grade, has to say goodbye sometime. Kids move away. They go on to middle and high school. They change schools, they leave town...they do. You don't get to stick with them forever. That's sad, though, isn't it? Every child I've ever worked with has made me wonder what they will be like when they grow up. I want to know what their lives will be like. I want to know what kind of person they will be. I want to know if our high school personalities match our kindergarten ones. But I won't know, because I can't just stalk a group of children for 12 years. Firstly, it's super creepy, and it's also impractical. So I always just say goodbye...and I know that they remember me for a while but then they forget.

I had a group of kindergarteners (4th graders now) when I was a senior in high school that I worked with for an hour every morning. I go back by the school a couple times a year and see them. I still get hugs (I know that'll probably end soon since they're all getting older) and we talk and they remember me...but it's getting harder. They're getting older. And I love seeing them get older and seeing how much they've changed...but it's hard because I know they're going to forget me. And I'm never going to forget them -- my first little group -- and everything they taught me. On the same note, I know I am also never going to forget the group I have now -- my last little group before I get my own -- and the amazing (though sometimes frustrating) experiences they have provided me with. I probably won't see them as often as I see my first group. I didn't go to this school, my dad doesn't teach at this school, I'm not close with all of the teachers at this school...so I probably won't come back. It's sad but it's just the feeling I'm getting. So I'm going to cherish these last 4 weeks, take lots of pictures, and always remember this little group of friends that let me teach them while they taught me so much more.

Day 49 - March 28, 2013

If I could make my blog post today sing the Hallelujah chorus, I would. Today is what I needed. Today was the boost of encouragement I’ve been looking for but haven’t been able to find over the previous few days.

I woke up this morning dreading the day, so unexcited to even be getting out of bed. I got to school and this feeling persisted until I was ready to do math. Math, the bane of my existence. Math, the source of my pain and suffering for the last four weeks. Math, my enemy. Let me tell you, I WAS WORRIED. I was very, very worried. After yesterday’s fiasco, who knew what to expect today. I just knew it was going to be crazy. I just knew I was going to end up crying in the bathroom or something. And once again, I am still dumb enough to believe I can ever predict how a day in kindergarten is going to go for me.

It was great. It was more than great. It was fantastic! I am still a little dumbfounded at how much of a success it was. I did everything Aryn talked about yesterday – I waited to get their attention but kept talking to them so that I would keep it. I stopped between every step and waited for them to put their eyes on me. I went around to each table after each step to make sure everyone was caught up with me. I praised them when they did a good job. I asked questions to keep them engaged. I had them put their hands on the head, knees, opposite ears…I did it all. And by golly, it worked! Of course it did – someone who has been teaching kindergarten since I was IN kindergarten can give some pretty amazing advice to someone who has no idea what she is doing. After it went so well in the morning, I knew I wanted to be evaluated in the afternoon. I just knew it was going to be good – or at the very least, better than yesterday. I talked with Aryn before I did it again and she gave me some more excellent advice on how to extend the lesson and get the kids excited and engaged. I did that, too, and of course it went amazingly. She evaluated me and I got a really positive review (something I’ve been needing lately).

I think I am going to be okay. Looking back on yesterday, it all seems so dramatic, but that is honestly how I felt. I am so glad that I decided to start this blog. Making myself sit down every day and write my thoughts – my REAL thoughts, not the professional academic ones I write for my student teaching binder – helps me to remember them. As long as I can read the words I wrote, I will remember how I felt when I wrote them. It’s interesting how we recognize our own writing immediately. I could read any sentence from any one of my lesson plans out of context and still know that it was mine.  I know that if I came back to this blog in 10 years, I would still be able to feel the way I felt when I wrote it. It is such a strange sensation to not just remember how something felt, but actually feel it again when reading about it. It happens to me now when I read diary entries from junior high, and it will happen to me years from now when I read these posts again. I will never forget how confused I was during the first week of school and had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I will never forget how excited I was during parent-teacher conferences. I will never forget how devastated I was yesterday when I felt like everything was falling apart around me. And now that I’ve written this, I will never forget how relieved I am today. Things went right. For the first time this week, a day went right.

I am working my way over the mental mountain (or rather, mental molehill-turned-mountain) that is my self-criticism. I am trying to consciously say good things about myself. I did this in high school whenever I stressed myself out over something or when I felt like everything was falling apart: I would look myself in the mirror and say all the things I could think of that were good about me. It sounds so cheesy, but sometimes we need to tell ourselves that we’re doing okay. That we’re going to come out of this on the other side a better, stronger person for all of the time and tears we’re putting into it. I just KNOW am going to be a good teacher, because I’m already a better one than I was when I started all of this. I hope that even by just reading this blog – even if you’ve never seen me in the classroom – you can see that this journey has been hard, but that it has been (and will be) worth it. May 4th will be a joyous day, but not just because I will be “finished” (we’re never really finished, are we?). It will be happy because I will be better…and that’s the whole reason I’m here, anyway.

Day 48 - March 27, 2013

Today is Wednesday. However, a more fitting name for today might be “The Day Megan Almost Cried in the Staff Workroom Because Someone Said She Was Good at Something.”  It sounds like it’s going to be a good thing, but it isn’t. I hated today. Today was the worst. Buckle up for a long, depressing, journey.

As I may or may not have explained already, I teach math twice a day right now. I teach it in the mornings to my own class, and then I teach the same lesson in the afternoons to the class next door. Today the lesson was about counting on a number line. My class did it fine (I thought) and so I was pumped to do it in the afternoon. Ms. Margie’s class only has about 20 children on any given day, where my class had all 26 in attendance this morning. The smaller class means things are easier (or so I thought). That’s what made today’s fiasco an unexpected disaster. I would have guessed that if one class was going to make me want to curl up in a ball, it would have been mine. But no. How dare I think I can predict what is going to happen in the world of kindergarten.

And OF COURSE today was the day I asked Aryn to evaluate my lesson. I thought “Oh, piece of cake! My class did it great, Ms. Margie’s class will do it better, and I’ll get a nice positive review!” I don’t think I have ever been so wrong about something in my student teaching experience so far. THEY WENT INSANE. I have no idea what came over them, but they were talking, running around, messing with one another’s clothes and hair, randomly falling out of their chairs…oh my god. It was a nightmare.

I could just tell things were falling apart the second they came into the room. I did everything I could think of to get them to pay attention. I went around to every table and asked them to listen to me. I clapped to get their attention. I called them out by name (!!) I had them put their heads down. I shhhhhed them. I said I needed their eyes on me over and over and over…and they WOULD NOT STOP. I felt helpless, and totally incompetent. It was a disaster – a complete and total failure. It was not the boost of encouragement I needed – and was expecting – today. It was the opposite.

After the nightmare was over, Aryn and I went to discuss my evaluation like always. We sat down in the workroom and she began her speech with “…Why don’t we throw this one out and try again?” I could have hugged her. I know that today was not representative of how I’m doing, and she knows that, too. She told me, over and over, the things I am doing right. She said my lesson plans are great, and I’m planning activities for the kids that are appropriate, and meaningful, and that they are enjoying. She said that when I’m one-on-one with a child, I am great at helping them problem-solve and work through things. She said that a lot of student teachers don’t have that, and that I do. She said I do great in small groups and individually. She said a lot of truly wonderful things and I almost felt like crying.

But I knew where it was going. I knew what turn the conversation was taking because I have this conversation with myself literally every single day I set foot in that classroom: I need practice with whole group. I have only learned about classroom management in theory, and this is the first time I am putting it into practice. All the other “practice,” all the other field experiences I’ve had, were not in kindergarten. I am going in blind here, because I have to make it all up as I go. So today, we talked. We haven’t sat down and talked like this regarding classroom control yet (which is strange because I know it’s what I need the most help in). She gave me some great advice that I’m going to try for the rest of the semester. The most important thing, I think, is that regardless of how much time it is taking and how long you have to stand there and nag, nag, nag…you have to get every single child’s attention. Every time. Always. Every single time, I should have 52 little eyes looking at me, because if I don’t then I’ll lose them. I shouldn’t be afraid to call them out by name. I shouldn’t be afraid to wait for them to listen. I should not just go on and assume that they’ll notice I’ve left them behind and will strive to listen better. This sounds reasonable, but like most things that I think sound reasonable in kindergarten, it does not work. Aryn knows this because she’s been doing it for 16 years. I don’t know it yet, but I will. If you leave kids behind, she told me, they won’t bother trying to catch up. It’s nice in our classroom now because we have Ms. Jennie, so there is someone to walk around and help keep them on track. But this week I have asked that they not help me…because I can’t guarantee that I’ll have that help in the future, and I need to learn how to do it alone. Aryn gets that, and she is letting me struggle so that I can learn this.

Attention getting strategies are also one of my weaknesses. I default to the clap pattern one, which works to get their immediate attention but it doesn’t sustain it. Aryn suggested I do movement things like asking them to put their hands on their head (good) or their hands on their opposite ears (even better, because crossing that midline makes their little brains turn on). And sometimes, she told me, even this doesn’t work. Sometimes, you have to stop them – completely – and just wait. Don’t wait in silence, because then you’ll lose them again. Don’t go on with the lesson, because you won’t gain back the ones you’ve already lost. Talk. Not about the lesson, but about your expectations for listening. Talk and wait, until they’re all back to you. One child can distract everyone around him, and they get louder and louder…and then you get louder to counteract it…and then we’re all basically screaming at one another and we all fall down.  Getting attention isn’t enough. The key is to keep it. I am slowly (hopefully) learning to keep their attention. It’s hard, because I’ve completely taken over the classroom this week and it’s confusing for them. I am doing everything: transitions, telling them when to clean up, telling them when they can take breaks, go to the bathroom, get drinks, etc. Aryn has completely moved away from the authority position and defers all questions to me. Firstly, that is terrifying for me but it’s something I obviously will need to be used to by the time the semester is over. Secondly, it’s hard for them because they still need to understand that I’m completely in charge now. I am THE TEACHER. I am trying my best to convey this to them, but I think it’s hard for them because it’s also hard for me. Aryn says I need to put my “mean eyes” on sometimes. Evidently my eyes aren’t mean enough. I’m trying.

Aryn also made sure to tell me that every teacher has days like this.  She says it’s okay – there are just lessons that don’t work, kids that won’t listen, and days that never fully come together the way we want them to. It happens and it is “okay.” Well that is well and good for everyone else, but most people aren’t as tough of a self-critic as I am. I’m too hard on myself. I know this and I see this. But myself is going to have to just suck it up, I guess, because I have to succeed at this. If I don’t…what have I been doing with the last 4 years? More importantly, what have I been doing with my life? Regardless, I cannot do days like this anymore. I need to show improvement (by my own high standards) or I am going to completely lose it. I just felt so lost today. I suppose it could be because I’ve always just been good at things. It sounds bratty but it’s true. I don’t think I know how to fail at something, and  I think that knowing how to find wisdom in failure is important. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I think that I am actually at failure at failing. Failing gracefully and wisely that is…as you can see by this ridiculously long explanation of my horrible day, I’m kind of a pro at just normal failure.

In retrospect, I guess today could also be called “The Day Megan Almost Cried in the Staff Workroom Because She is Way Too Mean to Herself.”  I need to try to be nicer to myself for the next 22 (24?) days. Like I've said before, I think others see the good things we miss. I'm missing a lot these days.

Day 47 - March 26, 2013

Day 47. 47 of 70 (72? I don't know how snow days work yet.) is finished. I am working my way there. I am well over halfway done...and I still feel like I have so far to go.

The kids are just driving me bananas lately. Today during free-choice centers I looked carefully at each one of them. I saw in every single one of them a child that I love, that has strengths and interests and sweetness (most of the time). I looked at each one of them and thought "How could this child ever do anything to upset me? They are so wonderful!" And then I looked at the group as a whole...and I almost lost my mind. I don't know what it is, but when these sweet, wonderful, beautiful children get together, they become a monster whose only goal is to make me lose my mind one piece at a time! They worked together so well -- so terribly well -- to become something absolutely insane.

The second day of my unit went better than the first. I made some last-minute changes to the lesson and I think it improved it a lot. I don't know if we are supposed to change what we have written on the lesson plan (I'm guessing not) but I just don't see why it would be better for us to do a lesson that we know is going to be chaotic -- like I realized my original plan would have been -- rather than do something we know is going to be better. I opted for the "do the better thing" option, and I hope that I didn't mess everything up by doing that. It makes sense to me, so that's how it's going.

I'm still feeling a little helpless and trapped right now. I am so desperate to be done student teaching, and yet I still have 23 (25?) days to go. I feel like I'm just going through the motions right now, which is NOT how I want things to be going right now. I want to be excited! I want to look forward to school! And I...don't.

Today I was sitting in the classroom during our break (the kids were at P.E.) and I found myself thinking "This is it. This is where I break down." I just cannot get it together. I feel like it's my first day again and I'm panicking because I have no idea what I want to do with my life or if I can even be a teacher without royally screwing it up. But it's not my first day...it's my FORTY-SEVENTH day and I still cannot shake this feeling. Spring Break really caused me to regress. It was probably the worst thing that could have happened this semester. I can't believe I was so looking forward to it. If I had only known what it was going to do to me...

How did I suddenly undo everything I've been working toward? My confidence is gone. My desire to get up and drive to school every day is gone. The feeling that I'm doing things right, that people are seeing the goodness (the greatness) in what I'm doing...is gone. I am 99% sure this is entirely in my head and I just need to snap out of it. But I'm also 1% really concerned that I somehow HAVE gotten worse over the last week. I say this a lot, but I really mean it this time:

CAN I HONESTLY LEARN TO TEACH?!?!