Day 14 - Jan. 31, 2013

Working on lesson plans tonight. Not a lot of time to write. But here goes...

Today was a hard day all around. It seemed that a lot of teachers were having difficulties with children beyond a normal day. Obviously it's not things that I can discuss here (confidentiality and all) but let's just say it was hard.

I can say, though, that it is so easy to forget everything teachers go through. It is NOT just teaching. You don't clock in, do your lesson plans, and clock out. You are constantly thinking about the children, how to help them, what you can do for them, how you can make their learning more meaningful...if they're eating, if they're sleeping, if they're safe...

A lot to think about tonight. And I'm not even the teacher.

Day 13 - Jan. 30, 2013

Today I did not feel well. I could not drag myself out of bed this morning, and so I was rushing to get out the door and didn't get a chance to eat breakfast. I started my day off coughing and sneezing (that part didn't go away...still got it) and more tired than I feel like I have ever been.

So of course it makes sense that today was the day I was observed. And today was the day that the children thought it would be "soooo funny" to give me all the wrong answers to my questions during Opening...so I was a little panicked.

But it went fine. I coughed my way through it and I was surprised at how not terrible it went. I know that I have done better and that I will do better, but today was good enough for today.

I was very touched when my supervisor told me that I should be a teacher because I've just "got it." I wonder if maybe I think this isn't for me because I am just SO HARD on myself that I think I do a terrible job on something that I'm actually just fine at. I'm so lost these days...

Here is what I am thinking:

I need to be a teacher. At least for a little while. If I want any credibility as a teacher educator, I need to have experience. I'm thinking I could do this while I get my PhD or any other accreditation that I need to do...whatever it is I'm going to do. I don't know how long it will be for...but I will be doing it.

I want to do assessment. I don't yet know in what context...but I will be doing it.

I want to be a teacher educator. I don't know when I will make this happen, or where I will be...but I will be doing it.

Those are my thoughts for the day. We will see what tomorrow brings (it could change everything).

Day 12 - Jan. 29, 2013

Today was a fun day. It was the 100th day of school, so we had a little party and the kids all brought collections of 100 things to show to the rest of the school. We also hid 100 Hershey's Kisses around the room (numbered on the bottom) and they had to work together to find them and put them in order.

The only downside today was that it was raining. I am SO GLAD that it rained, because we desperately need it, but it was so hard for the children to be cooped up inside all day while they were so excited. They needed to run. So they all ran inside.

I have so many lesson plans to write, but I am exhausted. Working tonight was necessary (because I only get about 6 hours a week and this added 2 to that) but I don't think I've been this tired yet over the past few weeks.

I can't even think right now. I have so much to do but I'm just going to fall asleep here at the computer now.

Day 11 - Jan. 28, 2013

Today was just like last week (in that I led opening and calendar time), except I added in the assessment portion of my lesson plan. I took all of the elements that they are already used to (saying the date, reading 3-letter CVC nonsense words, estimating and writing greater-than/less-than number sentences) and just tied them to Common Core standards. I'm making a week-long list of what the children attempt to do and whether or not they get it right. I know it's a really basic assessment...but it's all I've got right now. It has been eye-opening to see how the children's skills match up to what a "standard" kindergartner should be able to do.

I am so tired of rushing in to work every day. Last week I put in a whopping 6 hours...it's almost not even worth it. But I have never, in my life, been able to quit things easily -- not jobs, not relationships, not anything! I always worry that quitting something will cheat me out of wonderful opportunities . So I can't. And I wonder if maybe this is why I am having such a hard time admitting that maybe I don't want to be a teacher after all...because it's "quitting" my plan for myself. What if teaching is the best thing for me? What if I am cheating myself out of a great experience?

I like to commit. And if I'm not fully, completely committed...then I'm just not satisfied. So this semester is wholly unsatisfying. I can't commit completely to work, because I just don't have the time...and it makes me feel terrible.

Day 10 - Jan. 25, 2013

Today was another fun Friday. I feel like we don't do anything -- and Aryn did tell me that Fridays are pretty relaxed. We do library, computer lab, and P.E. in the morning, so that takes up most of our morning besides Calendar Time (which went well for me again). In the afternoon we did our "Fun Friday" centers, and made handprint penguins, which were adorable!

Today was also a little different because it was "Fitness Friday." We all went into the gym and danced for about 45 minutes. Last Monday during the P.D. training, I went with Aryn to the FF planning committee meeting, so I kind of knew what to expect. It was really fun! They do it every month, and each month focuses on a different kind of safety (this time it was bike safety, but water safety and I think gun safety are coming up over the next few months).

I am feeling more and more confident every day. The days are going by a lot faster than I thought they would. I am two weeks in...and only 12 to go!

Every day I am more and more thankful for being placed in the classroom that I was. It is making my experience so much more fun and meaningful for me. It is something I am enjoying, rather than something I am just tolerating or counting down the days of (which I suppose I technically am...but not as begrudgingly).

Day 9 - Jan. 24, 2013

Today went really well...considering --

There was a lot of sadness at the school this morning, as we received one piece of bad news after another. It all happened before the students got to school, but it put everyone in a poor mood at the beginning of the day.

But it got better! Aryn said I did a good job in calendar time today, even though I was still very nervous and thought I would mess up. I confided my fears to her, and she told me that even she gets that way sometimes...we just can't help it.

I am still on the fence about what I want to do with my life. I want to do research. I want to get my PhD. I want to...teach? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!

Today I also went and saw my (former) thesis advisor for what might be the last time. :( She gave me tons and tons of books, and a puppet, and felt board pieces! I came back with four bags full of children's books, AND some books for teachers about curriculum, guidance, socializing children, etc.

What started as a terrible day turned out to be great. I have my calendar all settled, things are in my planner, and I am becoming more and more confident. This weekend I am going to regroup and next week is going to be great. My supervisor comes on Wednesday morning, so I've got to be at the top of my game.

The only thing I can't figure out yet is how I am supposed to get enough sleep! I'm so tired in the mid-afternoon (i.e., when I have to go to work), but then when I come home I can't crash until like 11:00. Boo! I even did all of my night class homework 4 months in advance so I COULD try and sleep more. If I can figure out how to reset my internal clock, we'd be money.

Day 8 - Jan. 23, 2013

Today has been eye-opening for me.

First of all, I was extremely frustrated today with the teaching calendar. I tried about six different ways to make it all work out perfectly, before I finally became resigned to the conclusion that it is just not going to be perfect. At some point, it is going to get weird, so it just depends on whether we want the weirdness to be at the beginning or the end. I am going to guess end, so that it's not messing me up when I'm just getting used to things.

Today my teacher did DIBELS testing. She seemed kind of annoyed with it, because she had to leave the classroom pretty much all morning (I led calendar time, handwriting, and helped with math!) pulling kids to test them. However, I thought it looked like fun. I went and watched her do one of them, and I think I actually said "That was so cool!" She just laughed and said she guesses that's why I want to do what I want to do. I already told her about my interest in assessment, so she knows that I am not really in this to be a teacher forever and ever.

Also -- is there a job where you can just do stuff like DIBELS all the time? Just go around and pull the kids out of class and do it so the teachers can stay in and teach? I'm sure they would appreciate it -- and I would love it! Giving the tests, scoring the tests...I could do it for a whole school district just all day every day. Does this career exist? Please let it exist.

Thoughts for the day:

• I still need to learn the order of calendar time a little bit. I know most of it but I'm still a little unsure about some things. Tomorrow I should have it all!
• How do you tell children when they are wrong? When a child is doing a problem in front of the class, and s/he messes up, how do you explain the right answer without embarrassing the child?
• When a child is working on something independently, DO you tell them when they mess something up? If you notice they have a number written backwards, do you make them fix it? When I was in kindergarten, I wrote some numbers backwards and my teacher told my parents it was no big deal and I would figure it out eventually. But my cooperating teacher now has them fix it. Who is right??
• How do I know what the children know? I have been picking up on little things, but it's still hard to plan activities not really knowing what their background knowledge is.
• I still need to build my confidence! I have built relationships with most of the children, but sometimes when I am addressing all of them I get nervous...and I think they might know it!! I am working on building my authority and commanding the room. It is a work in progress.

Each day is getting better. My semester is getting interesting. The class is getting influenza.

Day 7 - Jan. 22, 2013

Today was such a wonderful day. Meeting with the other student teachers at my school reminded me of how thankful I am for my cooperating teacher. She is so wonderful, and really LIKES working with the children. She takes the things she "has" to do (Saxon math, for example) and tweaks them to make them fun for the children. She has made me feel so comfortable and I love my classroom.

I think that everyone should get to be with a teacher like her. I have been very lucky over the last few years to be paired up with wonderful teachers at my field sites - Ms. Franklin at Mark Twain, Mrs. Johnson at Highland Park, and now Mrs. Aryn at Harmony. I have never left a semester thinking "What a waste of my time" or "I will NEVER be like her."

It's kind of nice that even though I'm not sure I'll ever teach kindergarten myself, I have the chance to see a truly great teacher in action. Who knows...maybe Aryn will inspire me to be a teacher after all.

Day 6 - Jan. 21, 2013

Today I attended my first Professional Development day. It wasn't mandatory, but I really wanted to go. This is going to sound super weird, but I love meetings. I don't know what it is about them, but getting together and talking about important events and ideas is really fun for me.

I also liked getting to talk some more one-on-one with my cooperating teacher. After seeing her lead the PD today and getting to chat a little with her during lunch and breaks, I am beginning to see that we are fairly alike. She is passionate but professional - I can tell that she has very strong opinions on different ECE topics (as I do), but she is not out to specifically tell anyone that they are "wrong." I often find myself inwardly cringing when I hear the things some teachers say, and I wonder if maybe this is the way she is, too. I really, really like her, and I am SO thankful that she is my cooperating teacher this semester. I count myself very lucky for getting placed with her. She is an ECE major, so our philosophies are very similar, and she is just a very fun person to work with.

All in all, my first PD day was a success. Of course, I couldn't really contribute as much as I would have liked to, but even just being a "fly on the wall" was so beneficial. I am glad I went. I am surprised that these days aren't mandatory, but I guess I understand that if OSU is not in session they aren't liable for anything that happens to us or that we do at our field site (out of our "scope of employment," if you will). But I think it is worth it for everyone to go, and I hope that more of my classmates at other field sites went to theirs, today.

Tomorrow I begin leading calendar time, though I don't need to turn any lessons in yet (even though I already wrote them...of course!). I hope that it goes well!

I am feeling more and more confident in myself as I think about leading the class. Maybe teaching isn't what I want to do forever, but I think that it is something I want to do right now, for the next 13 weeks. We will see what happens after that.

Day 5 - Jan. 18, 2013

I have finished my first week of student teaching. I went through and put all of my lesson plans into my planner, so I know exactly what to do, when to do it. On paper, it doesn't look too overwhelming. That makes me a little nervous, because I am so used to pressure. I work best under it. But my teacher has made me feel so comfortable, and the children are so nice, that I worry about the fact that I am not worried. I know it sounds weird. But it's me!

On Monday there is no school, but I am going to Professional Development. I don't know if anyone else is going, but I thought it would be a good experience (it's all about Common Core, so that's important) and it will make a good impression on the teachers and principal. Then on Tuesday I start leading Opening/Calendar Time every day. I'll be doing that from Tuesday on through April.

I wonder if it is hard for teachers to relenquish control. I know I would feel weird if someone came into my class and started taking over my teaching piece by piece until they had all of it. Maybe it's nice. I guess it depends on the teacher. Mine seems to be pretty laid back, and she wrote on my evaluation that she is looking forward to seeing me begin teaching next week. Hopefully it works out well for me, her, the children, and everyone! Whoa boy. That's a lot of pressure.

Day 4 - Jan. 17, 2013

Today went by very quickly. I think I am getting into the swing of things. Right now the thing I am worried the most about is forming a working relationship with my teacher. Naturally, I am pretty reserved and try to be "professional" at all times...which for me is doing everything early, the right way, and usually without asking anyone for help. But I need to learn how to use my cooperating teacher as a resource, because she is so much more knowledgeable than I am, and she is a wonderful teacher! I am always operating under the mindset of "I'll figure it out as I go," because I am very perceptive and confident in myself -- I know that whatever I do, I will do it well. I know my work (in everything) is generally high-quality...but I know it could be better if I just reached out for help.

Over the next week I will work on forming this relationship. It is easier for me than for some of the other student teachers because my cooperating teacher is so easy to get along with, and is very outgoing. I feel very fortunate, because she is so friendly with lots of other teachers in the school and parents as well, so I am forming these friendly relationships by default. Some of the other girls who are student teaching feel like they talk to their teachers and no one else. They feel like they are missing out on the community of the school. But I'm not -- I just need to embrace it more!

The children have been asking me more questions today and are beginning to treat me more like a "real teacher." That is always encouraging. I hope that this continues to grow. I am slowly trying to form relationships with the children and I think it is working. I'm still trying to get into the mindset of being a teacher...not an assessor, not a researcher...a teacher. But I will do it! I know I will!

It's getting easier to wake up in the morning...I think my internal clock is shifting.

Day 3 - Jan. 16, 2013

I really love the school I am at, and I really love the teacher I am with. The children are very fun, and I am extremely surprised at the things they are learning (they are practicing things that were introduced to the 2nd grade classroom I was with last semester). I was a little panicked yesterday thinking about the whole "what do I want to do with my life" thing...but I have come to a conclusion:

I WILL FIGURE IT OUT.

I think that I am so concerned because I have been so sure for the last 12 years that I will be a kindergarten teacher...and then the last 6 months I have lost this certainty. I have never had to experience the confusion of not knowing where I will end up. I have never had to ask "What am I going to do with my life?" But now I am asking. And it is scary. It is scary to be passion-less.

But I know that I will be fine. I think that 10-year-old Megan was on the right path. She just had the destination wrong. I have always been on this road to teaching...I guess I just thought I would be taking a different exit. I never really wanted to get a degree beyond a teaching one...yet here I am researching Ph.D programs all across the country. So now I've reset my life goal "GPS" and am headed much farther down this path than I ever intended to go.

I am going to throw myself wholeheartedly into this semester. I will not slack off just because I am rethinking my future...that's just not me. I go 100%, so this will be no different. However, that does not make me any less ready to be finished and on to the next chapter of my journey.

I'm just hoping that I figure out where to go from here.

Day 2 - Jan. 15, 2013

I don't know what to say today. It is hard to wake up in the mornings. I am still very nervous that I will not do a good job this semester. I am getting a little overwhelmed...which is unusual for me. Time will tell. Stay tuned.

I think the children are getting to know me. Some of them are calling me "Ms. Morgan," but Aryn keeps correcting them and I think they're getting it. :)

I am anxious to see what this semester has in store for me. It's only Day 2, so I'm sure things will change over time. I'm just hoping it's for the better!

Day 1 - Jan. 14, 2013

Today was exhausting. I began my first day of student teaching and it was not at all what I expected! I'd previously gone to the school and met the teacher, but today was the first day I met the children. I walked in, not really knowing what to expect. The children are very sweet (kindergartners), and they are very responsive to their teacher. I hope that with time they treat me the same way! I know that I have to earn their trust and respect, but today made me feel like I got off to the right start.

I was surprised with how often the children are not in the classroom -- today they went to assembly, P.E., music, lunch/recess, and language with the teacher next door...all without us being there! I'm a little worried that I'm not going to have time to actually teach anything with the children gone for so long each day! (But I'm sure I'm overreacting and everything will be fine...I'll just keep telling myself "everything will be fine, everything will be fine...")

I'm also worried that I am going to perform poorly this semester because I recently realized that teaching is not really what I want to do anymore. I am still interested in it, and it is something I could see myself doing for a while, but that passion and drive that I've had for the past 10 years is just...gone all of a sudden. I can't explain it. I don't exactly know why. Maybe it's because the last 10 years have been leading me to what I truly want to do...research, and teacher education, and assessment...but it feels so strange to think that what I've been working toward for the last 1/2 of my life is not what I thought it was. I am absolutely going to try my hardest this semester...but I can't help but question if my heart is still really in it or not.

Time will tell. This is only Day 1.