I can't believe we only have one week left. It feels unreal. My semesters usually have me going from excitement (beginning) to settling into a routine (beginning-middle) to restlessness (middle) to desperation and burnout (middle-late) to a belief that it is never going to be over and then surprise when I realize I'm almost done (end). The same is true -- maybe even more true than ever -- this semester. Right now I feel like I'm never going to leave this school. And it's not because I've reverted to the desperate "Oh my god let it be over get me out of here" mentality that hit me right after Spring Break, but it's because I don't want to leave. I don't want to say goodbye. I feel like I belong at this school, and with these kids, and with Aryn as my mentor, and I truly am not ready for it to be over.
Over the last week, I've been feeling a little bit down about all of this. For a while (as I'm sure you remember if you've been reading this blog all semester) I was so frustrated with my class and I just wanted to be done with this for good. I didn't want to have anything to do with them (I feel terrible about that now) and I was so over it all. But now I wish I could take it all back. I don't want to leave. I've been feeling such a tremendous amount of love for these kids -- ALL of these kids -- this week. Maybe it's because I was out of the classroom for two mornings and it was so dreadfully boring that I missed them and they missed me and when I got back we hugged and were happy. But regardless of why I feel this way, I do. I miss them. I have 7 more days with them and I already miss them.
Today Aryn left at lunch and so I had "control" of the classroom (Jennie was there of course, lifesaver) in the afternoon. It went pretty well. Nap time was rough because the weather was finally nice and I could just tell they wanted to go outside and run. So run we did. I am so ready for this crazy weather to get a hold of itself and be Spring already. For the love of God, it's April 19th. It should not be freezing cold (literally). Next week is supposed to be a little bit nicer and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Tomorrow morning I'm taking my final teaching test. I am not too worried. I think that after 4 years if I don't know this stuff by now then I shouldn't be doing this at all, probably. It is kind of coincidental, though (annoyingly coincidental) that I have to do this right after ranting about standardized testing yesterday.
This next week is going to be pretty emotional; I can already tell. Let me just say right now: I don't cry. If I get punched in the face I probably would, and if I get really really scared I do (like when Mike came into the apartment when I wasn't expecting him and I thought I was about to get murdered) but for the most part it's not something I do when I'm "emotional." But I'm going to cry for these kids. I am definitely, definitely going to cry.
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